1. Being asked what you did at the weekend every Monday morning.
Even if you discovered a new country on Saturday night you would still say ‘not much, just a quiet one.’
2. Stretching your feet out under your desk and accidently playing footsie with your co-worker.
Your long legs will eventually get you on some kind of register.
3. When someone brings their newborn baby into the office.
And now you have to pretend the baby is cuter than the office dog.
4. Showing a new person round the office and realising you are a terrible person who only knows people by their physical attributes.
‘So yeah, this is uhm, spiky hair. Spiky hair, meet our new starter, lazy eye.’
5. Having to do something on your computer with a co-worker hovering over you and suddenly forgetting how to type.
It’s happenign rghit nwo.
6. Not knowing how to use the scanner so just staring at it and pressing random buttons for 45 minutes.
If only you knew the actual name of mole-chin from IT.
7. Having to sign a leaving card of someone you didn’t even know existed.
Write small and in the corner so they don’t notice you spelt their name wrong.
8. Listening to your co-worker saying something massively un-PC.
Just smile, nod and patiently wait until enough time has passed before running away to make a brew.
9. When you decide to graciously ask if anybody would like a brew, 14 people have the audacity to say ‘yeah, go on then’.
You don’t know half of their names let alone their milk ratios.
10. Then when someone offers to make you a cuppa, and you actually want one, but you don’t want that particular person to make it for you.
You just can’t take another cup of lukewarm milk from pit-stains in HR.
11. And now you’re stuck waiting for at least an hour before you make your own tea so you don’t seem rude.
Why are we like this?
12. Having someone come into the toilet just as the plop plop of your massive you-know-what begins.
This is why you always put toilet paper down first.
13. Making small talk with your co-worker while both pretending to wash your hands.
‘Got any plans this weekend?’ ‘Carl, the water’s not on’.
14. And then seeing a co-worker leave the toilet without pretending.
You let them borrow your pens, the least they could is rub their hands in the vicinity of the tap.
15. Whenever somebody uses work-jargon in a non-ironic way.
Going forward you don’t want to touch base or reach out, and talk like that is affecting your synergy.
16. Doing some sort of weird teambuilding and having to give a fun fact about yourself that you know isn’t very fun.
‘I have been to Devon six times’. Let the awkward clapping commence.
17. Bumping into a senior manager and feeling like you have to impress them or risk losing your job.
*Begins performing your best Riverdance*.
18. Leaving the office at the same time as someone you don’t know.
‘Oh, you’re going this way? I’m the other way’. Now, give it ten minutes and walk the actual way.
19. Seeing your boss OUTSIDE of work and faking a phone call so they can’t stop and speak to you.
It’s probably best just to crouch behind the nearest bin. Or look for a new job immediately.
And what better way to celebrate your leaving card and generic gift than getting yourself down to Revolution?
Seriously, book a table at a place where you’ll be safe and sound from social awkwardness. We can’t guarantee you won’t see your boss… but we can guarantee you won’t be sober while doing it!