Right, just to make this clear, we don’t think you’re a terrible child.
We all know you’ve had your moments. The clay ashtray you made for Mother’s Day when you were eight? That was a belter.
Yeah, it was structurally unsound, and probs would have fallen apart under the cough of an asthmatic mouse. Sure.
And okay, if we were being really picky, we would point out that your mother didn’t even smoke, has never smoked, and is in fact repulsed by the very idea of smoking.
But that didn’t matter. It was something you had made, just for her.
This year however, we’re getting the distinct impression you’re in trouble. For starters, you’re reading a post about last minute Mother’s Day prezzies. It’s not a good sign.
So without further ado, we’ll save your bacon. Here’s a round-up of what to get mummy this year. You’re welcome.
Move out of the spare room
Started hearing your parents having hushed conversations about you? Has your mum started uttering phrases like ‘Renting is the new owning darling’? Are there padlocks on all the cupboards?
Look, you’ve probably overstayed your welcome. And let’s be real, after carrying you physically for nine months and financially for twenty years, Mumsy probably just wants a well-deserved break… From you.
So pack your bags, get used to washing your own undies and start to realise the true, very horrible, horrors of the housing market, just like the rest of us.
Netflix and bills
To be honest, you don’t even really remember why your mum’s paying for your Netflix subscription.
It all seems so long ago now. But she is paying, and while you’ve watched every episode of Peep Show seven times, she gave up on Netflix after episode three of Breaking Bad.
Seriously, it’s only £6 a month. So get drawing up a budget, take out a loan or just simply give up that monthly curry.
Make her a grandmother
Right, stick with us on this one.
This is a drastic measure, but it’s a catastrophic problem. Those times when you completely forgot that Mother’s Day even existed. Like now.
All of a sudden, it’s Mothering Sunday and you’re sat there thinking wasn’t it just last… And then it hits.
Just blurt it out. ‘You’re going to be a grandmother!’ Then let it hang in the air like a bad, filled-up-nappy smell.
Now you’ve just bought yourself nine months to make something better up, you terrible, terrible child.
The gift of knowledge
Okay, we’re not saying you should give your mum a comprehensive run-through of everything you studied on your English degree. Nobody needs or wants that.
Instead, teach her something actually useful, like modern technology.
Take her through the minefield of Snapchat, the meaning of a hashtag and, instead of laughing, teach her that she doesn’t have to type ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ into every Google search.
In fact, maybe let her keep doing that. It’s way cute.
Get a grand gift card
Look, we know gift cards are truly terrible presents.
But considering you’ve had to scroll down this far, who are you to judge?
The gift card is for when you’ve truly exhausted all your options or you’re looking at a bouquet of reduced carnations in Tesco. STEP AWAY from the yellow-stickered flowers, my friend.
It can’t just be any gift card, though. To balance out the awfulness of this gift, it’s going to have to be John Lewis and you’re going to have to make it grander than your average gift card. We mean it, a grand. It’s the only way.
Either that or you can WITHDRAW a grand, and make it RAIN on yo’ momma. Either way you’ll have to say hello to that overdraft.
To be honest, the best gift you can give your mum this Mother’s Day is YOU.
Seriously, your mum is pretty special, and she deserves something to make her feel awesome. So how about spending some quality bloody time with her for once? Book a table with us, and you’ll score some serious brownie points. AND most importantly, we’ll cook her up a meal fit for a queen.
And if the worst comes to worst, you can always ply her with our fantastic new cocktails. We’re sure you’ll agree, it’s the quickest way to her lovely, kind, caring, and a-little-bit-pissed-now heart. Hic.