You know how it goes; January starts and so do your resolutions. From eating more healthily (bleurgh) to staying off the booze (double-bleurgh), everyone has a plan on the steps they can take to improve their lives in the coming year. But then you go back to work, the stress starts all over again and, before you know what’s going on, all you can think about is breaking those stupid resolutions. FFS.
So we thought (we’re using the word ‘thought’ pretty loosely here) we would show you why you should really smash those resolutions to bits.
Raise your chocolate game
The resolution: “Oooh, I love chocolate but I really must cut down this year!”
Why break it: Have you actually tried to not eat chocolate? We did it once, and we’re not allowed into Thornton’s anymore. Anyway, chocolate is really good for you so you should eat as much as possible really.
Set your laziness to ‘record breaking’ level
The resolution: “I’m totally going to be more active this year!”
Why break it: Pull up a chair, switch on the TV and then DO NOTHING. Feel good? Yeah, we thought so. Need more inspiration? Check out Chicago’s Jeff Miller, who broke the world record for competitive sitting after staying put for 72 hours. “It’s all about determination”, said Miller.
Step AWAY from the workout regime
The resolution: “Yeah, really gonna whip myself into shape in 2015. Proper buff.”
Why break it: Working out is SCARY and DANGEROUS. Just don’t even start. If the image above isn’t enough to put you off then read the story of the two poor souls who ended up getting locked in a gym. Just imagine the horrors.
The great outdoors just ain’t so great
The resolution: “This is the year that I become one with nature, dude.”
Why break it: The countryside is SCARY and DANGEROUS. It is full of animals and insects and fear. Just look at this guy who decided to go out for a walk and ended up falling 1000ft down a mountain. DOWN A MOUNTAIN. He survived mind, the massive lad.
You can’t choose your family, but you can choose to avoid them
The resolution: “Wow, I really need to spend more time with the folks and bro/sis!”
Why break it: We love our families, we really do. But seeing them REGULARLY? Woah, step away from the crazy jar. The last thing you want to get is a togetherness overload. That just sounds downright painful.
And, voila, you are free of all those silly resolutions spoiling all your fun. Now, really banish them forever by getting stuck into our new cocktail specials. Laters, willpower.