We’ve got proof that the universe wants us to be confused, and we managed to boil it down to three main points.
- Dapper Laughs once got his own TV show (what the hell was that about?)
- To discover beer, we had to put grain through the strangest process ever like the universe was trying to keep it secret.
- Summer only lasts for one quarter of the year.
That last point is important. The universe loves teasing us to the point of insanity, which is why it lets us taste paradise at a time:human lifespan ratio that’s just cruel.
Here are five symptoms of summer you should look out for.
Sandals and socks
Look, we get the appeal. It’s the middle ground between wearing shoes and committing to a full sandal experience.
But what should be an ideal best-of-both-worlds scenario ends up more like a hybridised monstrous abomination that sends shivers down the spine of everyone who bares witness to it.
For some reason, certain people think this is acceptable when the sun comes out. It’s not. It’s definitively not okay, okay?!
Planet of the lobsters
In the UK, we operate in line with a very dangerous logic.
Because we tend to get sunburn when we go on holiday to sunny countries, we wrongly assume it can’t happen here.
Well, it totally can. And it does, as made evident by the bright red arms and bald heads of pub gardeners who absolutely refuse to use suncream unless they’re on a beach in Marbella.
In Spain, sunshine is an everyday thing you can count on. It’s there to be enjoyed at your leisure. After all, it’s not going anywhere anytime soon.
In the UK, sunshine is noble lord who greets us with its presence only once every now and then. When it arrives, we are compelled to drop whatever we are doing to go outside and enjoy it. And if we try to ignore it, the summer guilt sets in hard.
Somehow, sunshine manages to induce genuine feelings of guilt. If that’s not nuts, we don’t know what is.
Pictures abound on Facebook of awesome music events that you’re not in. But you’re not bothered right? You insist that sitting in a muddy field with a hangover isn’t your idea of fun. You’re happy you spent the weekend re-watching Orange is the New Black for the third time. You’d definitely rather be sat at home questioning what your life has become. Yeah. Definitely.
BBQ err day
Your dad spent £400 on that gas barbecue. Your mum was not happy. That means whenever a meek slither of sunshine grazes the garden, he’ll bust out the BBQ and rustle up a casual viking feast, to prove that his impulse buy in B&Q last winter was totally worth it.
Everybody loves a BBQ, but Dad, come on, this is the 5th this week! We get it. Go and mid-life crisis somewhere else man.
There you go. As soon as you spot your dad in the garden hunched over the BBQ prodding a pork loin in his sandals and socks, you know it’s time to try and get a grip on reality again.
The best cure is a cocktail. It won’t solve your problems, but it’ll make your summer crazy seem a bit more normal.
Obviously, we’ve got summer cocktails for days. So you should totally pay us a visit when you can. But hurry. Summer ain’t around for long.