Santa Claus is a bit like Pharrell Williams.
Think about it. Like Pharrell, Santa is an ageless mythological figure whose background we know nothing about.
Like Pharrell, Santa is capable of working at a superhuman level of productivity, churning out awesome work at a rate no mere mortal can expect to achieve.
And furthermore, no one seems to really question who they are, because year after year, they keep giving us awesome things for free.
But seriously – have you ever stopped to think about who Santa actually is? We have, and closer inspection of his character has led us towards a startling conclusion. Brace yourselves, as we reveal the reasons why St. Nick is more than the father of Christmas – he’s also the ultimate hipster.
Let’s start with the most obvious sign. Santa is such a hipster, he’s been rocking a luxurious hipster beard before it even became ironically fashionable to have a beard.
HE’S A SELF-EMPLOYED INDIVIDUAL
Santa doesn’t need the establishment. There’s no 9-5 for him. Santa works his own hours – just one night of insanely intense manual labour a year. Probably so he can spend the rest of the year drinking organic coffee whilst watching Iranian New Wave cinema that he doesn’t really understand.
Red sheepskin jacket, old leather belt, black combat boots – you know Santa only visits the most bohemian of vintage shops. Topman? Santa is so authentic he’s never even heard of Topman.
ANNOYINGLY ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY
Obviously, grand hipster Santa has to have the kind of principles that make you ashamed of your oh-so average existence. For example, he’s so environmentally conscious that he chooses to (literally) get around the world by reindeer drawn sleigh. He’s so smug about it, just the thought of burning non-renewable fossil fuels makes Santa retch in disgust.
INTENTIONAL AIR OF MYSTERY
Santa hates celebrity culture. He hates Instagram. He hates publicly exhibiting his lifestyle for public approval. He doesn’t even have a Facebook profile. Ultimately, he’s not bothered about looking cool, unlike everyone else.
Or at least that’s what he wants you to think. But that’s just because he knows there’s nothing cooler than mystery. Screw you Santa, you big, bearded, self-aware bastard.
Everyone else is happy with a Kit Kat and coffee on their lunch break. Not Santa though – obviously, he has to be different with sherry and a mince pie. What even is a mince pie? Only a true hipster king like Santa would make an obscure 13th century pastry his signature snack.
Well, luckily for us, if the high and mighty St. Nick ever chooses to grace us with his superior presence, we’ve got loads of obscure craft beers behind the bar that we’re sure will suit his taste. Don’t believe us? Check it out for yourself.
It’s an impressive collection, ranging from the the Czech Republic’s delicious Budvar, known as the ‘original Budweiser’, to the Belgian Leffe, a beer brewed using a 13th century monastic recipe.
But then again – knowing St. Nick, even that will be too conventional for him.