Okay, so this is disturbing.
Have you ever actually thought about who Santa is?
He’s more than just a guy who drops off presents for you every year. He’s got a personality, and let us tell you, it ain’t pretty.
We dug a little deeper and peeled away the jolly old man veneer. Are you ready for this?
It turns out that Santa is a 100%, bonafide, coffee-sipping, jazz-listening, vintage-shop frequenting hipster.
Let’s start with the most obvious sign. Santa is such a hipster, he’s been rocking a luxurious hipster beard before it even became ironically fashionable to have a beard.
HE’S A SELF-EMPLOYED INDIVIDUAL
Santa doesn’t need the establishment. There’s no 9-5 for him. Santa works his own hours – just one night of insanely intense manual labour a year. Probably so he can spend the rest of the year drinking organic coffee whilst watching Iranian New Wave cinema that he doesn’t really understand.
Red sheepskin jacket, old leather belt, black combat boots – you know Santa only visits the most bohemian of vintage shops. Topman? Santa is so authentic he’s never even heard of Topman.
ANNOYINGLY ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY
Obviously, grand hipster Santa has to have the kind of principles that make you ashamed of your oh-so average existence. For example, he’s so environmentally conscious that he chooses to (literally) get around the world by reindeer drawn sleigh. He’s so smug about it, just the thought of burning non-renewable fossil fuels makes Santa retch in disgust.
INTENTIONAL AIR OF MYSTERY
Santa hates celebrity culture. He hates Instagram. He hates publicly exhibiting his lifestyle for public approval. He doesn’t even have a Facebook profile. Ultimately, he’s not bothered about looking cool, unlike everyone else.
Or at least that’s what he wants you to think. But that’s just because he knows there’s nothing cooler than mystery. Screw you Santa, you big, bearded, self-aware bastard.
Everyone else is happy with a Kit Kat and coffee on their lunch break. Not Santa though – obviously, he has to be different with sherry and a mince pie. What even is a mince pie? Only a true hipster king like Santa would make an obscure 13th century pastry his signature snack.
Well, luckily for us, if the high and mighty St. Nick ever chooses to grace us with his superior presence, we’ve got loads of obscure craft beers behind the bar for this year’s Christmas parties that we’re sure will suit his taste. Don’t believe us? Check it out for yourself.
It’s an impressive collection, ranging from the the Czech Republic’s delicious Budvar, known as the ‘original Budweiser’, to the Belgian Leffe, a beer brewed using a 13th century monastic recipe.
But then again – knowing St. Nick, even that will be too conventional for him.