How times have changed.
The Jungle Book is out again today, only this time it’s back with a cast of ultra-realistic CGI animals.
Still it can’t be that realistic – we all saw what happened to Leo when he spent some quality time with a bear (for those who haven’t seen The Revenant, let’s just say he lost a lot of skin and underwent some major alterations to his skeleton).
Either way, the degree of realism in Disney films has never had any impact on the lessons it’s had to teach us over the years.
Here are what we consider to be the most important ones.
- Beauty & the Beast – Love is blind. Really, really blind
Beauty and the Beast showed us that beauty is only skin deep, even if the skin you’re looking at belongs to a 8-foot tall anthropomorphic dog.
We all love our pets. But Bella showed us that it’s fine to REAAAAALLY love your pets.
2. The Jungle Book – Romance is much more important that friendship
In the final moments of Jungle Book, when Mowgli is about to be eaten by Shere Khan, Baloo steps up like the solid mate he is to save his human companion, nearly sacrificing himself in the process.
Then, in the next scene, Mowgli spots a pretty looking girl in the village nearby and pops over to see her. He becomes enamored with her beauty and bails completely on Baloo forever as if their friendship never even happened.
So remember kids – friendship matters. But not as much as getting lucky.
3. The Lion King – Always trust hallucinations
We all remember that incredibly epic scene where Simba speaks to his dead dad’s cloudy head, inspiring him to reclaim the throne from his uncle.
So basically, if a monkey gives you some crazily potent hallucinogenics in the jungle and you see some weird stuff, it’s totally okay to listen to the voices in your head.
4. Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs – Marry quickly and without hesitation
It’s a beautiful story. After the witch places a curse on her, nothing can wake Snow White from her eternal slumber other than the kiss of her true love. When it finally happens, she and her handsome prince tie the knot and live happily ever after.
So if you fall asleep and you’re woken by the kiss of a handsome dude you don’t know, definitely marry him straight away. Simple.
5. Frozen – With great power, comes total irresponsibility
When Elsa realises that she possesses dangerously powerful cryokinetic abilities, she does the only sensible thing there is to do.
Run off in a huff to a castle and chill out.
Don’t bother checking if you’ve inadvertently cast a endless winter over the entire country, most likely causing widespread starvation and irreparable damage to the economy, ultimately resulting in the death of thousands.
As long as you’re okay, there’s absolutely no need to consider anyone else’s well-being.
6. Bambi – Death is very, very real
Remember the scene where Bambi’s mother died? Of course you do. You were probably 8 years old and the memory scarred you for life.
Thanks Disney for letting us know at such a young age that life will cruelly take the one’s you love away from you without a moment’s notice. How incredibly considerate of you.
7. Pinocchio – Don’t befriend the less fortunate
After Pinocchio starts to develop a sense of independence, he irresponsibly befriends the unruly street kid Lampwick. Consequently, he ends up smoking, drinking, vandalising property and ultimately getting turned into a donkey.
The message is pretty clear here – STAY AWAY FROM HOMELESS PEOPLE. How benevolent!
And there you have it – what a wonderful catalogue of wholesome life lessons Disney has managed to pump into our fragile young brains over the years!
Who knows what the next Jungle Book re-boot has to teach us? We can’t wait to find out.
We hope you had fun experiencing us ruin your treasured Disney memories. Sorry. At least we had fun.
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