Releasing a Christmas single is a bold move. If it hits, you’ll never have to work a day in your life, as it’ll be played every single year until the dusk of humanity.
If it flops however, it’s a completely different story. No one will ever listen to it again, and it’ll prove to be a regrettable festive stain on an otherwise successful career.
If you’re lucky, you’ll write a song that has nothing to do with Christmas that the public inexplicably decide is a Christmas song, like East 17. Or you can release an absolute heart breaking banger around Christmas that would have gone number 1 at any time of the year, like Adele.
Anyway, here are a few of the ones that didn’t quite make the cut. Enjoy.
The Cheeky Girls – Have a cheeky Christmas
If provocatively dancing half-naked in the snow with your sibling is the definition of a ‘cheeky Christmas’, we’ll have a [insert whatever the exact opposite of cheeky is] Christmas instead please.
Basshunter – Jingle Bells
This euro pop rendition of the Yuletide classic is an unforgivable sin, and in a decent, just world, Basshunter would have his basshunting licence revoked so he’d never be able to violate a song like this ever again.
John Travolta and Olivia Newton John – I think you might like it
What should have been a nostalgic festive trip down memory lane instead worked out as a disturbing reminder that John Travolta is only getting creepier with age. Why would he leave just a bit of chin-beard? Why didn’t he shave it all off? It makes no sense!?
New Kids on the Block – This one’s for the children
This old-skool boy band had a go at Christmas glory via the admirably emotional ‘remember, not everyone lives in a rich country’ approach, but we’d argue that they went a bit full-on with lines like ‘there are some people living in this world, they have no food to eat, they have no place to go’. It might have been sweet, were it not for the irony that they’d probably have made a lot of money for themselves if it did well.
Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber – All I want for Christmas is you
We don’t know why she had to invite Justin Bieber along to help her sing her own Christmas classic. Not only does he ruin it, but he also adds more than a touch of creepiness to the music video, in which a 17-year old Bieber ogles at a scantily clad Mariah Carey, who at the time was 8 YEARS OLDER THAN HIS OWN MOTHER.
David Hasselhoff – The Christmas Song
The Hoff is one of those celebrities who you can really figure out why they’re so celebrated. Is it his acting? His singing? His X-factor judging? Who knows. All we know for sure is that his cheesy attempt at a Christmas single didn’t ever need to exist. Ever.
Lady Gaga – Christmas Tree
Here’s an example of how a Christmas song can represent an ugly moment in an great artist’s career. You probably won’t have heard this unreleased festive anthem from Lady Gaga’s back catalogue, but this is easily the weirdest thing she’s ever done (which, all things considered, is really saying something).
Snoop Dogg – Santa Claus goes straight to the ghetto
We don’t exactly know why Santa Claus would go straight to the ghetto, but we’re glad he does. With festive lines like ‘all I want for Christmas is my 6-4 Chevrolet’ to get you into the Christmas spirit, this is one song on this list that really did deserve to go number one.
There you have it. The funny thing is, this list is by no means exhaustive. The failed Christmas singles outnumber the successful ones by a ratio of 1000:1, ironically making Christmas the saddest time of year for a lot of artists.
But hey, at least your festive efforts can be a guaranteed success, as long as you book your Christmas party venue with us this year.
It’s true – you might even say we’re top of the charts at Christmas! (sorry, we couldn’t resist).