We gotta lotta time for music festivals, to be honest. You can probably tell.
Booze, tunes, tents, and best of all? The possibility of that friend-you-don’t-actually-like-very-much ending up on a YouTube compilation vid of festival fails.
It can happen to the best of us. You’re having the time of your life with your mates, throwin’ some shapes, then BAM. You’re on your arse in the mud.
AND some total bag of fart just so happened to be filming, so next thing you know you’ve bloody gone viral and you’re internet-famous. Ffs.
From headline acts getting seriously bottled to Leed’s infamous ‘poo girl’, here’s a list of epic festival moments that’ll get rid of any lasting Glasto FOMO.
Go on, have a little scroll. We promise you’ll LOL at least once.
1. When this guy bottled the wrong girl
There’s a dark corner of hell reserved for festival-goers that throw bottles of piss. Been thinking about it? Just don’t.
Because if you do, this girl will find you. And she’ll beat you. And you’ll be branded a dick forever. And a hat-less dick at that.
2. When Fyre Festival was (almost) a thing
Yeah, yeah Ja-Rule you said it wasn’t you, but nobody can remember that other bloke’s name.
It can’t be easy putting on a festival. Sure, it’s probably quite a lot to handle. But paying $1,500 for mouldy cheese sarnie and somebody losing your luggage? We bet that’s a whole lot worse. Better luck next year, kids.
3. When bottles rained down on Daphne and Celeste
We’re not quite sure what organisers were thinking when they booked the duo for the mainstage at Reading 2008. Chipmunk pop in amongst all the punk?
Anyway, when the girls gave Ooh Stick You and U.G.L.Y. a bash in front of a field of disgruntled metalheads, a barrage of urine-filled bottles ensued, and they even got shoes, a bag of meat and a wheelchair thrown at them.
Maybe that’s what the organisers WERE thinking. We’ll never know.
4. When this guy got wasted while wearing flip flops
You’re fighting a losing battle, mate. Just throw in the towel.
What a total flop. Sorry.
5. When this girl got wasted while wearing wellies
Mud. It’s inevitable at every festival – even bloody Burning Man in the middle of the Nevada desert.
You can either fight it. Or embrace it. And this girl does a bloomin’ good job of both.
6. When this guy gave everyone the green light to beat his ass
Yeah, it sucks when someone 6ft5 stands in front of you. But never, EVER, sacrifice someone else’s view for your own.
OR scale a traffic light in a packed crowd. This man has got Lollapalooza 2012 to thank for THAT little life lesson.
7. When shuffling was a thing
It was 2013 when Deep House became a thing, boys had buns, man-bags, and Ibiza was the go-to holiday destination for every Tom, Dick and Harry who walked the Earth.
Only they didn’t walk. They shuffled. And it was the shittest dance craze we ever did see.
Thank God the DAB came along.
8. When Skrillex bangeranged his head
We’re not even sure this was AT a festival, but man is it a fail and it’s too damn good to miss.
9. When POO GIRL became a Leeds Festival legend
So, we all know the story of Poo Girl, who ‘fell’ down the long-drop whilst trying to retrieve her bag. It’s horribly awkward, awful yet hilarious, and ever since that fateful day in 2009 has gone down in Leeds Fest history.
But the best part? This quote from Poo Girl’s press debut: “The rumours got out of control – I heard one that a dwarf had fallen in and drowned.”
Unfortunately, we couldn’t get a clip of Poo Girl or her ghastly adventure. So here’s a clip of a guy singing a comedy song about her instead. Class.
Why risk the shame of suffering one of these horrendous festival fails? Stay at home where it’s safe instead.
Or actually, sod that. Hit your local Revolution bar for our Festival Special instead. There’ll be booze, brilliant drinks offers and a whole bunch of other cool shizz – but the best part? There’s absolutely no chance of ending up face-first in a portaloo.