It’s official – Christmas is over. With a wistful wave we’ve said goodbye to Michael Bublé, endless mince pies and bottomless glasses of Bailey’s. And now? We’re left facing the abject horror of actually checking one’s bank balance. Ugh.

So, if Halifax has landed in your inbox, only to inform you that you’re totally tip-top broke (How broke? MC Hammer broke) then this one’s for you. Here are 9 money-saving tips that’ll totally change your life.

1. Sack off any super pricey gym memberships

Don't join the gym!

Exercise at home, or in the park. Make Mother Nature your treadmill, and pound her pavements with your new (probably very pricey) Nike running shoes. If you absolutely insist on a gym membership, then get your money’s worth by making sure you actually go. Also, save your water bill by NEVER showering at home again – disconnecting your water supply actually makes for double gym motivation!

2. Only ever buy stolen goods

Buy stolen goods?

Pssst, did you know you can save cash by buying stolen goods? Don’t worry, this tip is totally legal – even the police are in on it. Many forces use an eBay-style site, Bumblebee Auctions, to sell lost property or goods seized from criminals. You’ll find pretty much anything that’s worth nicking, from bikes and bling, to TVs and tools. But you better be quick! Items fly faster than you can say Jack(ed) Robinson!

3. Unplug absolutely everything whenever you leave the house

Unplug EVERYTHING?

Because if you want to save your money then you must spend a little time. All modern-day gadgets and gizmos are phantom energy wasters – they suck up so much power when we’re not using them, you’d be surprised. Besides, by unplugging every item you own you’re not only being frugal, but also reducing fire-risk. Woohoo!

4. Exploiit eBay’s bad spellurs to uncover secret bargains

Check eBay for spelling errors

Typos, speeling mistakes and erors on eBay are incredibelly common. When a listing is misspelt, it means fewer people will find that particular item, so prices are usually rock-bottom. There’s even a bunch of sites out there that do the work for you – just be prepared for your spellcheck to get spitting mad. Squiggly red line central!

5. Separate loo roll into its two separate parts to make it last twice as long

Toilet-roll tricks!

If you’re really, really broke, the bathroom is a great place to save yourself a few quid. Some money-savers suggest forgoing toilet roll altogether, but we say that’s disgusting. By carefully separating your loo roll, you can save up to £7 a year – and still be able to shake someone’s hand with dignity. Just remember, gently does it – and watch out for the dreaded ‘poke through’ on a number two.

6. “If it’s yellow let it mellow…”

Don't flush!

You know the rest. Another toilet-based tip for scrimpers and savers, which will help spur a dramatic shrinking of the size of your water bill. And maybe your friendship group. But hey, why should it cost, every time you spend a penny?

7. Make the most out of those pesky meerkats

Meerkats can save you cash!

If you like movies (and let’s face it, find me a self-respecting so-called lazy millennial who doesn’t) then you can use those once-cute-’n’-funny-now-heinously-annoying meerkats to your advantage. Sign up to some cheapy travel insurance (you can bag a policy for as little as £3) and you’ll get 2-4-1 cinema tickets for a whole year! You’ll still have to fork out a small fortune for the flippin’ popcorn, but why not make your mate pay instead?

8. Dine out on your neighbours’ leftovers

Eating neighbours' leftovers... Ew.

Ew. Yes, seriously – there’s now an app that links you up with local people that have prepared too much mouldy old sausage casserole, and want to give away their excess grub. It’s kind of like Gumtree or Freecycle, only totally gross even to the most hardcore of money-savers. Second-hand, spit-filled French onion soup, anyone?

9. Don’t go out. At all. Ever.

Ah, just relax.

Stay at home, with the lights switched off and the toilet full of pee (or worse). After all, a life spent desperately trying to smell whether Flat 3 has any mackerel fillets going spare sounds positively peachy, doesn’t it my prudent friends?

Don’t be silly. There’s only one sensible way to save money this January (apart from the stolen stuff thing, that sounds pretty decent) and that’s by paying us a little visit. Book in advance, and we’ll give you 50% off throughout the entire month. Tada!

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