You’re not thinking about planning a visit to… (whisper it now)… Essex, are you?
So, let’s just get this straight. The birthplace of the bodycon dress/white stiletto combo, wet-look-hair-gel and the immortal phrase “Oi oi saveloy”. Hasn’t all this put you off by now?
Not even a bit?
Well, to help you see the light, we’ve gone ahead and devised some reasons why you should NEVER set foot in Essex. We have warned you.
No space for adventure
It’s all just grey towns, innit?
Like, okay, apparently over 70% of Essex is lush, green, gorgeous countryside. And yeah, you might find some farmland speckled with pastel-washed villages, and maybe you’ll see some views only interrupted by mighty oaks, and the sun setting.
Sure, that’s a possibility. But still… there’s Centerparcs for that.
Beaches are so 2008
Look, nobody wants to go to a beach anymore.
Feeling the cool sand between your toes? Pfft. Listening to the calming sound of the sea washing the shore back and forth? Bleugh. Relaxing in a cool, colourful beach hut, sipping fresh margaritas and taking in the view? NO THANKS.
Also, with just 350 miles of coastline in Essex, good luck finding somewhere to sit.
Essex has no history
Yeah, maybe Essex is the oldest county in England.
And okay, it might have been one of the seven traditional kingdoms of the Anglo-Saxons.
Sure, it has nine castles, 500-year-old bridges just sitting there in the countryside, and a chapel built in 654 by the Romans.
But it’s not exactly bloody Rome, is it?
It’s too close to London
It’s like WAY too convenient to get to the capital.
Going to London should be a pilgrimage equivalent to Machu Picchu. If you haven’t had to jump on three buses, had two train delays and a cancellation all over the course of 7 and a half hours of travelling, how can you really appreciate all the sights London has to offer?
Half-an-hour on the train? Nah, it’s just not right.
That longest pier sounds like an awful lot of effort…
Well, you know, I guess it’s like, a lil’ bit impressive that it’s the world’s longest pier. Woop-de-doo, right?
One-and-a-half miles, though? Who do they think we are? Mo Farah?!
There’s no culture in TOWIEland
Theatre? Pffft, Essex is a place all about the tellybox ain’t it?
Alright, it might have the Mercury theatre. We’ll give you that. But what else?
Oh, okay, the Palace theatre. Sure, the West Cliff theatre. Can’t forget the Cliffs Pavilion theatre.
Hmmm. Let’s just call this one a tie.
The locals are WAY too friendly
Stopping to ask for directions and someone actually helps you find your way, THEN gives you a lunch recommendation?! Pffft. Who even needs that in their life?
That’s what Google maps is for, right? RIGHT?
Nothing quirky to do
Rowing a boat on the river Stour? Too mainstream.
Visiting a secret nuclear bunker? Obvs secret for a reason.
A mushroom walk? Who does veggies?
Nowhere to go out in Essex
Right, now we swear this one is legit.
Wait, hold on. Essex is getting its own Revolution? Oh, ffs.
As you can tell from this super sarky post, we’re a little bit obsessed with Essex. This amazing county has got a LOT going for it, and that’s why we’re buzzed to be arriving in Southend.
We’ll be banishing ordinary boring cocktails and bland food, with our brand of brilliant shizz. That’s cocktails that’ll knock your socks off, mental parties and drool-worthy food that you won’t believe.
Southend-on-Sea, we can’t wait to see you.