Chocolate. Booze. Social Networking. The Holy Trinity of things that people try to give up for Lent every year.

Sure, those are all well and good… But if you ask us, we don’t think giving up M&Ms for a few weeks is really gonna make you happy or change your life. In fact, we’re fairly certain the route to happiness is lined with delicious, colourful, darling M&Ms.

Don’t worry – we’re not gonna leave you hangin’ on this one. Instead, we’re banishing those depressing Lent ideas once and for all… By creating the definitive list of what to ACTUALLY give up, in order to achieve true inner peace and eternal happiness. Or something like that anyway.

Ditch clean eating

Remember a few years ago, when ‘nutritionists’ were just called bloggers, cauliflower was a white alternative to broccoli and almonds didn’t have udders that could be milked?

Ah, those were the days. If you’re going to ditch anything this Lent, say buh-bye to clean eating and devour whatever the hell you want. Instant happy.

Turn off the news

Let’s be real here. No matter how much you love Trevor McDonald or Fiona Bruce, it’s safe to say that the news in 2017 has definitely not been a laugh.

With a simply huge amount of daily depressing shizz going on at home and abroad, there doesn’t seem to be any time for those good ol’ fashioned feel-good news stories. We bet you didn’t hear about Annie, the 100-year-old Dutch woman who got fake-arrested to fulfil her bucket list?

Give up on the news just like Annie gave up on social norms. You’ll be SO much happier.  

Quit taking your work home

You made it. Finally, the commute home. Sure, the bus is packed, traffic is a mess and you can’t avoid the strangely sensual rubbing of thighs with the stranger next to you. But work is over, you’re on your way home to relax and unwind.

But what do you do instead? Check your work e-mail six times, reply to seventeen of them and finish mocking up that marketing presentation that’s not even due for three weeks.

Basically, it’s time to hand to in your notice on working from home, not just for your own happiness… But ’cause Jerry, you’re making the rest of us look bad.

Give up Facebook stalking your ex

Look, we all know there’s a certain wicked enjoyment from viewing the humdrum hell of your ex’s life via boring, bitter status updates.

Thanks for the birthday wishes! First pumpkin spice latte of the year!! Just made the best chilli EVER!!!

We get it, we really do. But giggling at their unnecessary use of exclamation marks isn’t going to bring long-lasting happiness. Instead, leave the stalking to them and move on. But maybe just update your fit new profile photo first.

Stop trying to make coconut water happen

You wanted to like coconut water. You really did. After all, it’s supposed to be the avocado of the water world, right? Like, you even heard a single bottle of the stuff contained more calcium than a herd of cows and THEN saw a sexy advert of Rihanna drinking it on a beach. Of course, you wanted in.

Then you tasted it. You thought the mixture of salt, sweat, and the slight undertone of coconut-wrung-through-a-dirty-rag was an interesting flavour. Yep, definitely not awful. Of course, you’ll keep drinking it. Because… the calcium.

Please, for all our sakes, give up coconut water for Lent. You’ll be LOADS happier.

Put your phone down for a bit

Look, we know it’s great baggin’ 54 likes on Insta’ for a picture of your sun-kissed legs while lounging by the pool. Honestly, we’re all about that.

But there are times you just need to put the phone away and experience things which aren’t seen filtered through a 5-inch screen. Seeing the Mona Lisa? Yeah, everybody you know is desperate to see a blurry picture of a painting with thirty tourists’ heads bobbing away in the foreground.

Put it down, and pray for life-after-phone.

Stop trying to like everyone

Of course you like that work colleague. Yeah? Best buds, yeah?

You like their nasal voice? You like the way they said Wall-E was stupid after you declared it was your favourite Pixar film? We bet you even liked that time they commented on a picture of you with that’s a great picture of you. It doesn’t look like you at all!

Giving up passive-aggressive faux friendships for Lent is guaranteed to make you more gleeful in life. Seriously, you don’t have to like everyone… Especially when they cannot see the minimalist beauty that is Wall-E.

 

So, there you have it. Can you feel the serenity that comes with inner peace and eternal happiness?

What? Not quite?

Well, we guess there’s only one thing for it. Time to quit giving up on stuff and get your ass down here for a damn good time! With the best boozy cocktails and some of the sickest weekend shindigs, booking a table at Revolution is the only guaranteed way to a slice of that eternal happiness.

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