In this modern world of ours the opportunities to let others make choices for you are limitless. We are a generation of comatose sloths, happy to pass on the responsibility to someone else. Where are we going tonight? Check Foursquare. Can’t decide what to wear? Cosmo or GQ will tell us. How should I wipe my backside? Men’s Health did an amazing spread about that. So if you’re letting random media outlets decide what you should wear, who you should sleep with and what kind of cheese is racist, you may as well let us tell you what to drink.
We’ve compiled a list of zodiac signs and their broadly associated personality types, and tried to match them arbitrarily with a load of booze. So next time you’re on a night out and doing a great big think is too hard, consult our handy list to help decide what to slosh down your facehole.
Or don’t, we’re easy. Do whatever.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries folk are apparently assertive and self-assured, yet you’re letting a website tell you what drink to buy? Nice job astrology jerks. If you’re one of these cocky lot with spray-on confidence I think you need bringing down a peg. Mellow out with a classy drink, a whiskey on the rocks or a Mint Julep. A nice warming tipple of hearty whiskey will settle you right down, making you instantly appear way more suave and debonair than you actually are.
If you have lady parts I’d suggest whacking some egg white and lemon in there for a Whisky Sour. This isn’t for astrological reasons, I just like it
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Taurians (all Tauruses, not just ones called Ian) are known to dislike being told what to do. Well that’s a great start. You’re also down to earth, so a nice draught beer will suit you.
For the ladies I’d go with something comforting like a fruit cider or a Sweetshop cocktail, the huge sugar rush will hype you up and play on the Taurian’s natural penchant for affection. Basically you’ll be touching, kissing and licking anyone you know within spitting distance, just don’t spit on them. Of course the fact that you hate being given instructions means you’ll disregard this guide and choose whatever the opposite is. Fine, if you want to drink a mug of tequila infused Bovril be my guest.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini are a social bunch who are talkative, friendly, intelligent and inquisitive…you never shut up. Everyone I know with this personality trait likes wine, so that’s what you’re getting. If you like a nice conversation about what kind of animal Damien Hirst has pickled for money lately, or the socio-economic repercussions of Mumford and Sons’ new album juxtaposed with the impact of Tesco own brand yoghurt, then you need a drink you can hold gracefully and swill in-between sentences. After a quip about how Russell Brand is the 21st Century’s answer to smallpox, swirl a glass of Pinot Noir or Riesling with one hand, as your other thoughtfully strokes your chin whilst agreeing with a sentence that made no bloody sense.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If you’re going to represent a whole group of people with the symbol of a giant crab why the hell would you call it Cancer? That’s just cruel and weird. Why not Crab-Lor or Pinchy McGee?
Anyway, like the humble crab you are sensitive, humorous and sentimental, or am I thinking of manatees? Either way you are best off having a nice long drink that you can nurse for hours as you think about feelings and sadness and love and other made-up emotions that proper people have. A Long Island Iced Tea contains approximately one billion ingredients, and is as complex and mysterious as you think your soul is.
Gentlemen may prefer something equally dark and deep, so go for a Chocolate Negroni or Lynchburg Lemonade, because they are both served in ridiculously cool glassware, which makes you look more manly than you think it does. Trust us.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
A Leo is a risk-taker: strong-minded and dramatic, which means your evening will go like this. Leo walks up to the bar with a strut that looks like a limp, you pick a drink with a stupid name you can’t pronounce. Your friends protest that it’s made of cat’s tears and half a Greggs pasty, but your strong mindedness means you pick it anyway. When your face scrunches up like a pensioner chewing wasps you protest that it’s actually quite nice, before throwing a massive dramatic hissy fit at the bar staff for making it wrong. If you want to come across as dramatic without being annoying, grab a Cosmopolitan or a Manhattan, so you can stand there and look way more interesting than you are.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
A Virgo tends to be one of those people who demands everything be neat and tidy, someone who likes order and is incredibly anal, but not in a good way. Therefore the only time you’ll ever see a Virgo hold anything with sugar round the rim is if they’ve accidentally sat on a toffee apple. A nice neat, healthy option is always your drink of choice.
Much like David Walliams, a Gin and Slimline Tonic goes down nicely for both sexes, but if you fancy something harsher to wind down after a hard day of filing things that didn’t need filing, then crack on with a Martini for a look that screams “I’m the James Bond of office supplies”.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Librarians (that’s probably right) are a complicated mix of idealistic, open-minded and indecisive. Your creative mind-set and finely honed selection of niche interests usually leads you to only one drink; the craft beer. If this craft beer is to be consumed by a mouth surrounded by patches of over-grown hair, then congratulations, you’ve developed hipsteria. If you want to proceed with a complete hipsterectomy, shave that man-boy-fluff off your chops and drink something that actually tastes nice and wasn’t produced by a man in a ditch with his arse.
Sociable ladies and gents will both enjoy a crisp vodka cocktail. A Bellini will do the trick, giving you a fresh taste and a burst of fruit to boot. Or what about a Strawberry Collins, This mixture of vitamin and a clean alcohol like vodka ensures your morning hangover won’t be too bad, until you put on that playlist of Bolivian Spoken-Word Folk-Techno, you pillock.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
A Scorpio enjoys a more intense and private existence than most, so you’ll never see them necking eight jugs of Vodka Red Bull in before wrestling with the toilet attendant in a puddle of urine and CK One. Inhabiting more ambient venues (like Revolution), the likes the finer things in life and would prefer it if our handcrafted vodka flavours were served in a monocle (we’re working on it). Needless to say your drink choices are as dark as your inner monologue; going for a Dark ‘N Stormy, or a Copperfield, even a classic Port if you want to ape your grandparents’ drinking habits.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
A simpleton would say the Sagittarius should drink Strongbow just because they have a bow and arrow as their logo. If that was the case then Taurians would drink Red Bull, Capricorns Goat’s Milk and Cancerians a gallon of whatever it is they use to treat crabs. But no, this is a complex guide combining the mysteries of astrology with the solid facts of mixology, its high-level stuff. Sagittarians, whose name makes them sound like they only eat things that sag, are extroverts by nature. An exotic Mojito is your choice of poison, as it conjures up images of a sandy beach bar in Rio De Janeiro or a bouncing Mexican dance club. Keep dreaming kidda.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
A Capricorn likes simple, practical things in all aspects of their life. They buy no frills yoghurt, they wear unbranded jeans, and they drive a nice sensible car in a sensible way all the way to Sensibury’s (Sainsbury’s for sensible people). You won’t see the goat folk faffing with a lime in their beer or an umbrella in their drink, the farthest they’ll stretch is a lager shandy which they class as a fancy pants cocktail. This direction has its benefits though, as you can be certain every bar you go to has something you’ll like.
A glass of medium-bodied red wine is the perfect choice, or go all experimental with a Cuba Libre for the height of classic cool.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius “The Water Bearer” probably doesn’t bode well for a list containing alcoholic drinks, as it suggests you’re the one people look to drive them home when they’re sloshed. Ruin their travel plans with your spontaneity and the unconventional way you go about things, and order up something weird.
You like big bursts of flavour all fired towards your mouth like some sort of delicious booze-cannon, so try a Mai Tai or a Singapore Sling to give you a feeling that can only be replicated by eating an entire packet of Haribo all in one go.
If you want bold flavours without drinking something sweeter than a six year old singing lullabies to a comatose kitten, then take inspiration from your watery star sign and have an Aperol Spritz, whose sour notes will have you living up to your playful reputation as you contort your face into a million different shapes, none of which are attractive.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Ah the Pisces, a noble sign who often lives up to his or her reputation by drinking like a fish. As a fellow Piscean I offer you this sage advice, drink only those liquors who delight your sensitive and cultured palette. We tend to enjoy the subtle flavours of top-notch alcohol.
As we’re so accepting and open minded, some would call us the Nelson Mandela of alcohol; we like to try a wide variety of quality spirits, ales and wines. If we’re sat by a roaring fire you’ll see us nursing an exotic gin or perhaps a Japanese whisky served straight with a single cube of ice, as it should be. Always show everyone up by posing elegantly by the bar, referring to your server condescendingly as “barkeep” and ordering a measure of brandy by indicating the amount with your fingers like a plonker in a bad movie. People will love you for it.