Christmas Day is awesome. Wake up, eat food, get free stuff, eat more food, drink booze, chill out, eat more food, go to sleep.
Boxing Day on the other hand, is a bit weird. You wake up, and then proceed to wander about your house confused and ashamed wondering what the hell happened to you. A bit like Bruce Banner after he’s come down from turning into The Hulk, except you only got massive because you ate too much.
You’re literally and metaphorically sobering up from Christmas. You’re ashamed of the past, but you don’t know how to move forward with your life. Well luckily for you, we’ve come up with a guide to getting through Boxing Day and coming out of Christmas as a mostly intact human being. Check it out.
Don’t go outside
First things first, stay at home with your shame. You’ve barely got used to the fact that you actually ate and drank that much over Christmas, and you definitely don’t need to see any other normal human beings. You need your own space right now – take it easy, and forget the rest of society exists.
If you spend the whole day trying to come to terms with the gluttony of Christmas Day, your brain will collapse. It’s really important that you distract yourself with nice things. The closer you can be to a mindless zombie, the better. So grab that complete Big Bang Theory box set Santa got you and spend a good few hours rotting your brain with badly written jokes about Star Wars. No longer than that though – you don’t need to make any more reasons to hate yourself.
Spend time with those close to you
You and your family members have all seen each other turn into absolute gluttons. You all ate an ungodly amount of food. You started drinking at 11am. Most of you stayed in your pyjamas all day. Some of you didn’t even shower. It’s recommended that victims of horrific traumas such as these associate with others who can relate, so spend some quality time with each other and soon the scars will begin to heal.
Don’t go cold turkey
So you’re feeling bad because you basically spent the previous day eating and drinking non-stop for about 15 hours straight? Firstly, yes, you should feel bad about yourself. But secondly, the worst thing you can do is go on some kind of emergency guilt-induced crash diet. Your body won’t be able to handle it, so you should wean yourself off the indulgence by snacking at a more human, less blob-that-ate-everything rate. You might not know this, but that’s what Christmas leftovers are actually there for.
Boxing Day Sales
We realise that some of you are shameless enough to be able to stomach the normalcy of functioning society. If so, treat yourself to some good old retail therapy. We’d much prefer to spend the entire day shivering on the floor in the foetal position, but as long as you can handle interacting with strangers, then go for it. And don’t worry – if you brave the outdoors but find yourself struggling, we’ll be able to offer you a cocktail to help you through the day.
Gear up for New Year’s Eve
Here’s the deal – you might be feeling a bit bad about yourself on Boxing Day, but the bottom line is that you’ve got a massive party coming up on New Year’s Eve. You’ve got to get over this self-loathing. Thankfully, the calendar gives you a good few days to recover from the absolutely shameless gorge-fest of Christmas to get revved up for the biggest party of the year. So during this interim, take it easy, scrape up whatever hedonistic impulses you have left and get ready to unleash them all on the biggest night of 2015.
If you really want to be sensible about it, why not plan your partying in advance? We’re going to be saying hello to 2016 in the biggest way possible, so book a table with us to make sure you know where and when you’re going to be letting loose.
In the meantime, pray for your soul, because you know you’re going to be making an absolute travesty of it this Christmas.