For those of us currently having a slightly-clingy love affair with gin, there are three distinct truths that will always hold true:
- Every day is made better with gin.
- No matter how many other spirits you try, you will always come crawling back to gin.
- Being a lover of gin means you can look at classical paintings from the Renaissance period and not only see yourself in the characters, but also create a fictional story in your head in which the painting becomes a vehicle to explain your utter devotion to gin.
And to prove once and for all that this final truth is fact, here are all the times classical paintings summed up your love for gin.
1. When you’ve gone four whole days without a single drop of gin.
When will my husband return from the war?
When will my social plans that involve gin cocktails return from the war?
2. When your best mate is returning from the bar with a round of gin cocktails.
Are we comparing the Virgin Mary (mother of Jesus, one of the most celebrated saints in Christianity) with your mate Emily (109 followers on Twitter, drives a Fiat 500, got you a G&T ’cause it was Happy Hour and they were 2-4-1) in order to sum up your love for gin?
Yes. Yes we are.
3. This is your face when your friend is adamant they don’t like gin and think it’s too dry tasting and then they try one sip of your gin-filled cocktail and love it so much they’ll now drink gin for the rest of their life.
Incidentally, this is also the face your mum pulls at Christmas when you’re opening the present she swore she wasn’t going to get you.
4. And this is your face when that friend who doesn’t like gin still doesn’t like gin after trying your cocktail and you realise you have to cut that type of person out of your life.
Take around 45 seconds to remember the good times with said friend and then delete them off Facebook and ghost them on WhatsApp until they repent and proclaim that a certain juniper-based spirit is the One True God.
5. When your Tinder date says they love G&Ts served with fruit garnishes.
This painting might be the most harrowing thing we’ve ever seen but we’re eternally grateful it cuts off where it does.
6. And this is later in the date when he’s getting you a drink and you say surprise me! and he brings back something that hasn’t got gin in it.
A pint?! A pint?! Do you think you’re at the pub with your dad?! A pint for daddy? Is that it? Well, I’m your daddy now! Call me daddy! Go on, say it!
7. When your “friends” take you to a bar that doesn’t serve gin and you have a really good think about all the mistakes you’ve made that have led you to this point.
So many mistakes. So much gin to try. So little time.
8. When you’re on your third G&T and find yourself dropping hints to the 4/10 behind the bar.
If you ask us, this painting is the greatest metaphor for human nature we have ever seen. This woman, with her goblet and her tiara and her bare breast, is all of us really, isn’t it? All of us doing our best. All of us being painfully unsubtle. All of us in a desperate plea for attention before the ever blackness of death. Yes, this woman is us. And there’s nothing we can do about it.
9. When your drinking buddy orders a single G&T instead of a double so you give them this face.
I’m not angry. I’m just disappointed.
10. And this, we’re afraid, is you when you say I’ll only have one G&T because I’ve got work tomorrow.
This is every single Thursday night in existence. No doubt about it.
BONUS ROUND: When you find out we’ve got ELEVEN new gin cocktails IN BAR NOW.
Yeah, that’s right.
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