Essex is a pretty unique place. No matter where you go you always run into the same people on a night out.
From the TOWIE-wannabe to the Puker, we’ve listed ten of Essex’s finest.
These are the ones you can always rely on to rock up, whichever corner of this fabulous county you’re headed to.
So tell us… How many of these types of tipsy people have you bumped into before?
1. ‘The Baller’
It’s rare to see these divinely blessed individuals up close – mainly because the VIP rope is in the way – but they’re easy to spot thanks to the ridiculously tailored tweed suit, pricey unbuttoned shirt and heavy cloud of Paco Rabanne ‘1 Million’ that’s choking anyone nearby.
The Baller is a bit of a fart-in-a-lift type of bloke, who misses the beat on charming and skips straight to slimeball.
Mind you, he’s not all bad – particularly when he’s laying on rounds of shots for everyone within a 5-metre radius, plus that bottle of LPR for good measure. Flash git.
2. ‘The Glamazon’
Usually found on the arm of The Baller, or at least hovering around him looking bored. Done up to the nines, wearing nude Louboutins and more slap than a Max Factor ad campaign.
Doesn’t actually drink but has made a personal appearance at the bar, just to sit and sneer at everybody else. Which is a shame ’cause she’s actually ok when you get her on her own.
Looks absolutely, utterly drop-dead-gorgeous, but this bronzed goddess is one coat of St. Tropez away from David Dickinson territory.
3. ‘The Cryer’
Now The Cryer on the other hand, has probably had a little too much to drink – and all hell’s broken loose as the inner turmoil has finally spilled out, ugly and laid bare for all to see.
Usually spends most of the time in the toilets, or at the side of the dancefloor texting, mascara-stained face lit up by the unflattering blue light of their iPhone.
Don’t be lured in by asking a concerned “U ok hun?” or else you’ll be stuck with this weeping leech for hours.
4. ‘The LADs’
Usually found in large groups, eagerly passing around a bottle of Grey Goose that’s been split six ways, trying in vain to snap pics for Insta before the sparkler burns out.
These well-meaning guys are all out for a fun night on the ‘taaahn’, but however good their intentions, there’s always a spot of bother.
The conversation gets a bit rowdy when someone brings up ‘ditcher’ James (who’s just got a job in London, something in investment banking) and the group is swiftly kicked out.
You’ll then find them all wandering up the High Street chanting “Essex! Essex!”, until they’re eventually let back in somewhere.
5. ‘The TOWIE Tourist’
Not actually a local, but on day release from some random nearby location like Ipswich or Eastbourne, come purely to gawp at Z-listers from ITVBe.
These are the wannabe Essex girls, whose Collection 2000 makeover just can’t quite cut it. They arrive looking for a cool place to party, only to spend all night asking where the Sugar Hut is.
“You mean you’ve actually met Mark Wright and seen Michelle Keegan in Tesco’s car park?” Bore off.
6. ‘The Puker’
Hails from any place, hangs with any groups, sports any latest trend – or not at all. Every friendship group has a Puker.
The pal that projectile vomits after only a few drinks, and spends the remainder of the night whiffing of sick.
Avoid at all costs. Especially if you’re on the pull.
7. ‘The Cool Kid’
Often a student, this guy is normally spotted with a dodgy rolled up fag in hand, discussing progressive basslines and that cray night he had at Fabric last week.
By all means chat to him in the queue, but be fully prepared to get deep about how ‘Tiësto’s old stuff was sick until he sold out, man’.
Usually sporting some wacky coloured shell suit jacket, paired with bold patterned shirt, once-white socks and Nike Huaraches. Friendly enough, but smells a bit like mothballs.
Also bangs on about how he ‘so prefers Camden to Essex’, but we all know damn well he couldn’t afford the rent, even in a houseshare of 12.
8. ‘The Everyones’s New Bezzie Mate’
This random lil’ babe pops up in every smoking area, managing to talk at a million-miles-a-minute, smoke and apply lipliner. She complimented your hair in the loos about 20 minutes ago, and you’ve been best friends ever since.
She’ll chat away about her latest LinkedIn endorsements, or whip out a lolly from her bag ’cause she ‘brought loads just in case.’ Next thing you know, she’s got your number, created a Whatsapp group and you’re off to Glasto together, ’cause she knows someone that’ll lend you all a VW Campervan.
Needless to say, there’s a 100% chance you will never see her again, but hey – it was fun while it lasted!
9. ‘The OMFG I’m STARVING’
Everyone’s got the greedy mate who, as soon as the drink kicks in, spends all night wailing about how starving they are and trying to drag you away from the bar to get some gross kebab.
Yes, this person is having a great time, but mention food and they’re off the dancefloor and out the door faster than you can say ‘pitta with chips’.
It doesn’t even matter if they’ve pulled – he/she knows that nothing fills an empty, emotional void quite like cuddling up with 3 slices of cold pizza and a McFlurry at the end of the night.
10. The Random
Not too dissimilar to your new bezzie mate, but nowhere near as forthcoming with the free lollies.
Keeps turning up in just a t-shirt when it’s chucking it down outside, chatting about nothing and asking for high fives from everyone. Or hugs. Or worse.
You know that mate in the group that always disappears on a night out? They vanish for hours in pursuit of their coat, their ex, more drink, a rotisserie chicken or whatever the hell else they’re searching for.
Well, think about it. Your mate is probably ‘The Random’ to someone else. Weird, isn’t it?
Ah, Essex is a wonderful place, full of wonderful people… And a night out just wouldn’t be the same without ‘em.
It’s why we’re totally buzzing that we’ve finally landed in Southend.
Fancy joining the party? You can play your very own game of Essex partygoer bingo by booking a table. Too far from Southend? Then don’t worry, the urban legend is true… You’re never more than 50 metres away from a Revolution bar. Want proof? Find your nearest bar right here.