Here we go again.
It’s the big day. You know the one. The one with the teddy bears holding heart-shaped cushions that say “I WUB U”, reminding us all that the only true happiness we have in this world is desperately clinging onto someone, something, anything, that doesn’t completely despise our company.
Yes. That’s right, guys. It’s Valentine’s Day.
And if you find yourself single on this fateful day, it can force you to ask some pretty heavy questions about your existence, like:
Will I ever get given a personalised Moonpig card that uses a pun of my name?
Is the postman flirting with me or are those shorts part of the uniform?
Mum, why am I so unlovable?
Now, in truth, we can’t really help you with any of the answers (especially the last one), but we can provide 15 (fifteen!) tweets that perfectly sum up being single on Valentine’s Day, so you don’t feel as alone as you so obviously are. Sorry.
1. Well, he’s not wrong.
You are never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) February 14, 2015
FUN FACT: Ducks can’t actually digest bread! It makes them sick and has been known to kill ducks! Especially the crusts! Happy Valentine’s Day!
2. Our new Valentine’s Day tradition.
Can’t wait for Valentines Day. I’m gonna run into as many restaurants as I can shouting “Knew I’d find you here! You bastard” then run out.
— Ruthe Repeal Phoenix (@RuthePhoenix) January 24, 2015
For added impact, we recommend getting some cheap rings you can tear off your hand and throw at your chosen victim. And maybe, this might be going too far, but maybe you could carry a baby at the same time? Yes? Maybe? Two babies?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day you’re allowed to have two dinners right?
— mitchell davis (@mmitchelldaviss) February 6, 2016
Top tip: go on a double date with just yourself and make it four dinners. With ice cream after. And then a moonlit walk on the beach for four (one).
4. Well, this is our kind of itinerary.
Valentine's Day plan:
1. Breakfast in bed
3. Watch movie
4. Dinner for two.
5. Regret eating two dinners.
6. Cry alone.
— pandamusk (@pandamusk) February 12, 2016
7. Give up on the opposite sex.
8. Look at dogs to adopt to fill the void in your life.
9. Find the perfect good boy.
10. Imagine living your best life with Rufus, the golden retriever who loves to swim.
11. Remember that your landlord doesn’t allow pets.
12. Cry alone again.
5. Lisa dropping truth bombs.
me knowing im single af and dont have to buy any valentines gifts pic.twitter.com/eZ4WxMEWzj
— Lisa Simpson (@tbhIisa) February 3, 2017
A Lisa Simpson parody Twitter account giving you a bright side to the crippling loneliness of Valentine’s Day. Yes, that is modern life in one sentence.
6. Almost forgot. Almost.
When you’re so single you almost forgot it’s Valentine’s Day.
— Karan Brar (@TheKaranBrar) February 13, 2017
We think there are three distinct levels of Single. There’s the recently-single-and-actually-kind-of-loving-all-this-newfound-freedom Single. The been-alone-for-a-little-too-long-and-starting-to-wonder-what-my-ex-is-up-to Single. And finally, who could forget, the can’t-remember-the-last-time-I-felt-a-human’s-touch-and-while-yearning-for-company-I-find-myself-reading-blogs-about-what-other-singles-think-about-Valentine’s-Day Single.
8. It’s all a sham!
Me on Valentine’s day: “This is a money making scheme we shouldn’t be practicing it!”
Also me on Valentine’s day: pic.twitter.com/AzoItxULvz
— Nikesh Kooverjee ❌ (@NikeshKooverjee) January 29, 2018
The Venn diagram of people saying “It’s just a commercial holiday invented by the card industry, not falling for that LOL…” and the people who open Tinder on February 13th and send every single match a “WYD?” message is unsurprisingly, a perfect circle.
i dont need a valentine i need 8 million dollars and a fast metabolism
— pakalu papito (@pakalupapito) January 27, 2016
What’s weird is we had to seriously consider whether we’d prefer 8 million dollars OR a fast metabolism. And then we stopped being idiots and said, “8 million dollars thank you very much.”
10. Lactose romance
That moment you realize your milk has a Valentine’s Day date & you don’t… pic.twitter.com/KX2S83bK8s
— Curtis Lepore (@curtislepore) February 1, 2016
When your BFF posts something on Facebook along the lines of: ‘Feeling like a princess! Question = popped! xxxxx” with a zoomed-in picture of her new ring this Valentine’s Day, we think it’s okay to feel a quiet, yet dignified, pang of jealousy.
But when you’re getting jealous of milk (and skimmed milk at that for God’s sake!), that’s a whole new low.
11. She doesn’t even go here.
I have a valentine, but she goes to another school. also she’s modeling overseas right now.
— lawblob (@lawblob) February 14, 2015
“Oh? A picture of her? Err. See. She’s not on Facebook. Or Instagram. In fact, she doesn’t have a phone. Sorry.”
12. Roses are red, violets are blue…
“Actually, violets are violet,” I say, ripping up her poem.
— Anna (@anjvs) February 14, 2015
Give V-Day the two fingers by destroying all forms of love you come across. Oh, your mother got an anniversary card from your dad because Valentine’s Day also happens to mark 25 years since they were married? IN THE BIN IT GOES.
13. Find yourself a good boy.
Your dog is allowed to be your valentine I checked
— WeRateDogs™ (@dog_rates) February 14, 2017
And if you don’t have a doggo, but you’re sneaky, then someone else’s doggo can be your valentine. We checked.
14. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Me on a date with myself on Valentine’s day: pic.twitter.com/EK4b6Tbgdi
— Bae (@GirlfriendNotes) January 25, 2018
Yes! This only happens on Valentine’s Day! Not any other of the 363 days of the year that we find ourselves alone! That would be crazy! Only on Valentine’s Day! Ha ha! So relatable! Yes!
15. Where do we sign up?
let’s create a group chat with all the single people on Valentine’s Day and we can roast cringey couples ?
— Adam Waithe⚜️ (@AdamWaithe) February 12, 2017
Take it one step further and make it a drinking game. Like, drink two fingers every time you see the #boydonegood hashtag. Finish your drink every time you see a photo of holding hands across the table at somewhere poncey, like, we dunno, Jamie’s Italian. Take a shot every time you see a proposal photo with the “I said yes x” caption on the timeline.
Now, whether you’re as single as getting to the end of this blog would imply, got a hot date planned, or you’ve got a bae and just fancied a laugh… We’ve got you covered this Valentine’s Day!
Treat your true love, first date or best mate to a delicious dinner they won’t forget – with two tasty courses from just £9.95. And if things are goin’ real good? *wink face* Add a third course for just £3!
So, what are you waiting for? Don’t risk a night in the doghouse, or worse, a night alone in your own house, by booking your table before it’s too late!