Welcome to your inner Monday monologue.
7:00 AM: ‘Urgh. Monday? Again? So soon? Right here? Right now? Like this? Waking me up with my shrill AF phone alarm tone?
Does anybody know who invented the snooze button? We’d like to send them a gift.
7:30 AM: ‘Now, if I get out of bed right this second I’ve probably got time for a shower AND breakfast.’
You’ve just hit snooze again, haven’t you?
7:40 AM: ‘Scrap breakfast. I’ll get in the shower at 7:45.’
How many minutes of your life have been lost to the No Man’s Land of Snooze?
7:46 AM: ‘Oh, it’s 7:46. Gonna have to stay in bed until 7:50 now.’
WHY ARE WE ALL LIKE THIS?
7:50 AM: ‘What if… What if… What if I didn’t shower today and stayed in bed an extra 15 minutes?’
This. Is. Very. Dangerous.
7:51 AM: ‘I could spray every inch of my body with deodorant…’
You’re better than this.
7:52 AM: ‘Nobody will be able to tell.’
THEY! WILL! BE! ABLE! TO! TELL!
7:55 AM: ‘Technically, it’s too late for me to shower and make it into work on time.’
You’re only lying to yourself.
8:00 AM: ‘If coffee doesn’t appear in my hands in the next minute I’m going to cry.’
We know it’s a Monday morning but there’s no need to exaggera-
Oh, this is happening then.
8:15 AM: *sipping that hot nectar* ‘Coffee, I love you more than watching dog GIFs at work.’
This is blasphemy to the God of Dog GIFs, but because it’s Monday we shall allow it.
9:10 AM: ‘If Sharon taps her watch at me walking in ten minutes late today there’s gonna be trouble.’
Sharon, the only human alive who is not affected by Mondays. Every office has a Sharon. If yours doesn’t, then we’re afraid… You are Sharon.
9:55 AM: ‘Hmmm maybe I should start doing some actual work now.’
That big Excel spreadsheet isn’t going to look confused at itself.
10:10 AM: ‘Really really really should consider actually answering an email or two now.’
Monday is firmly a Regards and not a Kind regards type of day.
10:35 AM: ‘Is it too early to eat my packed lunch?’
You know you’re going to have to buy another lunch later on if you do this…
10:36 AM: *Eats lunch*
We’re disappointed. But not surprised.
11:05 AM: ‘Is there a way I can set fire to all my emails?’
We know that 95% of working life is sitting at a computer and being alive but we’re not quite understanding how you still have a job.
11:30 AM: ‘Is it 5 PM yet?’
You poor sweet soul.
11:55 AM: ‘Well, I guess another coffee couldn’t hurt that much.’
This will be your fifth and seriously what do you need all this energy for because you are literally doing noth-
12:30 PM: ‘Okay, let’s get these emails out the way.’
12:35 PM: *Mindlessly scrolling on Instagram*
You have seven emails labelled high importance.
12:46 PM: ‘Pretty hungry now, you know.’
We! Are! Shocked!
INTERLUDE: Your lunch hour on Monday actually becomes a full-blown lunch afternoon. You leave the office for an entire hour, come back with a meal deal, eat the meal deal, and then have an hour-long food coma while browsing popular blogs such as Revolution hyphen Bars dot co dot uk until about 3PM, by which point the working day is basically over, so you can coast your way until home time.
You do this. Your boss does this. Your colleagues are doing it. Even bloody Sharon is doing it.
15:00 PM: ‘I’m so tired today I’m gonna have to get in bed the second I’m home.’
You have literally done nothing but eat and scroll Instagram today.
15:45 PM: *finally replies to one email* ‘Am I just a tiny, worthless cog in the relentless capitalist machine?’
Ah, the existential angst has started to settle in. Right on time. Great.
15:46 PM: ‘This job was just supposed to be a step on the ladder.’
Here we go.
15:46 PM: ‘But it’s been seven years now. Where did my ambition go? My zest for life? My youth?’
This usually carries on for at least an hour until you a) get hungry again or b) get tired again.
15:46 PM: ‘I could probably start my own business.’
A business where just one email is sent every day. Sounds like a good idea.
16:31 PM: ‘Less than an hour left now. No point in starting anything new at this point.’
Why is productivity in the British economy considered to be at an all-time low? We don’t know. We just don’t know.
16:55 PM: ‘The end… It’s so near… I’m nearly there.’
You’re going to watch the clock for 5 minutes and make it seem approximately 14 years long, aren’t you?
16:56 PM: *watching the little clock in the bottom right of your computer screen*
16:56:15 PM: …
This isn’t going to end well.
16:56:24 PM: …
16:56:25 PM: ‘ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’
We knew this would happen.
16:59:59 PM: ‘FREEDOM’
You’ve made it. Another Monday down. One less Monday until you can retire forever. You know, in approximately 40 years. Ha. Maybe. Hopefully.
Yeah, there’s no doubt about it… MONDAYS SUCK.
But we’re making sure you grab Mondays (and Tuesdays!) by the buns from now on, by making these days so much better (and tastier). How, we hear you ask?
Well, we’re giving you £5 burgers AND 2-4-1 cocktails ALL DAY long!
This should brighten up ya life a bit – so book your table right now!