Okay, so this is disturbing.
Have you ever actually thought about who Santa is?
He’s more than just a guy who drops off presents for you every year. He’s got a personality, and let us tell you, it ain’t pretty.
We dug a little deeper and peeled away the jolly old man veneer. Are you ready for this?
It turns out that Santa is a 100%, bonafide, coffee-sipping, jazz-listening, vintage-shop frequenting hipster.
Let’s start with the most obvious sign.
Santa is such a hipster, he’s been rocking a luxurious hipster beard before it even became ironically fashionable to have a beard.
And you just KNOW he plays with it in the mirror of every house he visits, bloody hipster.
HE’S A SELF-EMPLOYED INDIVIDUAL
Santa doesn’t need the establishment. There’s no 9-5 for him. Santa works his own hours – just one night of insanely intense manual labour a year.
And the rest of the time? He’s probably drinking organic coffee whilst watching Iranian New Wave cinema that he doesn’t really understand.
Red sheepskin jacket, old leather belt, black combat boots – you know Santa only visits the most bohemian of vintage shops.
Topman? Santa is so authentic he’s never even heard of Topman.
ANNOYINGLY ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY
Obviously, grand hipster Santa has to have the kind of principles that make you ashamed of your oh-so average existence.
For example, he’s so environmentally conscious that he chooses to (literally) get around the world by reindeer-drawn sleigh.
He’s so smug about it, just the thought of burning non-renewable fossil fuels makes Santa retch in disgust.
INTENTIONAL AIR OF MYSTERY
Santa hates celebrity culture. He hates Instagram. He hates publicly exhibiting his lifestyle for public approval. He doesn’t even have a Facebook profile. Ultimately, he’s not bothered about looking cool, unlike everyone else.
Or at least that’s what he wants you to think. But that’s just because he knows there’s nothing cooler than mystery.
Screw you Santa, you big, bearded, self-aware bastard.
Everyone else is happy with a KitKat and coffee on their lunch break.
Not Santa though – obviously, he has to be different with sherry and a mince pie. What even is a mince pie? Only a true hipster king like Santa would make an obscure 13th-century pastry his signature snack.
Well, luckily for us, if the high and mighty St. Nick ever chooses to grace us with his superior presence, we’ve got an extraordinary Christmas party waiting, a feel-good feast with all the trimmings, and more festive drinks than Santa could throw a reindeer at.
Interested? Well, it’s never too early to book your Christmas party.
Unfortunately, we can’t promise Santa will be there ’cause knowing St. Nick, even our winter wonderland will be too conventional for him.