Glastonbury FOMO might be seriously real right now, but luckily you’re being extremely mature about missing out on tickets.
It’s not like you physically hate those backstabbing friends who are there right now, you definitely aren’t cringing every time you read the G-word, and you definitely, definitely, definitely aren’t spending your time reading blogs about how to beat Glastonbury FOMO.
Okay, so you don’t end up hibernating all weekend, here’s our comprehensive guide to conquering that festival FOMO in the healthiest, not at all bitter, kind of way.
Good luck. You’re going to need it.
Just get outta Blighty
Right, it’s finally time to put your C in GCSE Maths to good use and see just how much money you’ve saved by not watching Ed Sheeran do his weird half-talking, half-singing thing in a muddy field.
There’s the bloomin’ ticket you missed out on after 83 refreshes of your browser – £250.
A tent, sleeping bag, and 500 wet wipes – £50.
Five days’ spending money so you can afford to guzzle £6 cans of cider and £10 plastic bowls of quinoa – could be £200, could easily be £1000.
Now, with a saving of at least £2,500 (we’ve lost our calculator), you could go to Bangkok, Amsterdam, Berlin, and loads of places that are well better than having black fingernails and hearing ‘I’m in love with your boooody’ waft over from the main stage.
Avoid all forms of social media
Look, everyone with a social media account is currently at Glasto, so don’t give them the satisfaction of stalking their awful and predictable Insta feed.
To make deleting your social apps for the weekend even easier, here’s a roundup of the types of content you’re guaranteed to see coming out of Glasto.
A photo of a group of girls wearing jean shorts and throwing up peace signs; a blurry photo of a stage that apparently has Radiohead on it, but it might as well be your dad and his mates for all you can see; and of course, thousands of pictures of mud-covered wellies captioned with the immortal #Glasto ❤️. Ugh, get over it.
Text your Glasto-going friends constantly
Course, you could text them happy, positive things like ‘how’s it going?’ and ‘hope you’re having a good time’. Sure. You could do that.
Or, you could remember that they completely abandoned you for a field in the West Country, and get some revenge by texting them frequent and vitriolic abuse.
For example: spoilers to their favourite Netflix series, weather reports including words like ‘torrential rain’ and ‘flooding’, and obvs, keep reminding them how warm, dry, and not covered in other people’s p*ss you are.
Basically, just keep text-harassing them until they block your number.
Watch on TV and scoff at all the acts
We wouldn’t usually prescribe this kind of medication for Glasto-specific FOMO, but drastic times call for drastic measures.
We advise getting to a nice level of tipsy-drunk, sticking on BBC’s coverage, and live-tweeting the events by childishly mocking all the acts.
Radiohead? More like RadioDEAD, right? Ed Sheeran? More like, uhm, Ed doesn’t-have-a-girlfriend-because Sheeran away. Yeah, that one could do with some work, but you get the idea.
Your friends might be making life experiences they’ll never forget, but you’re averaging 17 likes for every tweet you send out, so who’s the real winner here?
Bathe constantly just because you can
Seriously, if you’re not having 14 baths every single day of Glasto, you’re simply not beating this FOMO in the right way.
It’s vitally important you revel in the feeling of being cleaner than 300,000 people on a farm in Somerset, and to really get the point across, we recommend sending your friends pictures of your toes popping out of a luxurious bubble bath.
You might not be at Glasto, but at least you don’t have mud in every orifice.
Recreate Glastonbury at home
Right, if you really can’t get away from the heavy cloud of FOMO, follow our 7-step plan on how to recreate Glastonbury at home.
- Load up your car and sit in traffic for about 8 hours.
- Put obstacles in front of your TV, then watch from outside through a window.
- Instead of showering, just dab yourself with a baby wipe every morning.
- Constantly have your phone teetering on 1% battery.
- Hold in a poo for three entire setlists, an encore, and a 30-minute queue.
- Set fire to about £200 in cash.
- Smugly wear a borrowed-from-a-friend-wristband for about a year after Glasto’s ended. Who cares if it’s turned black and started to smell like fish?
Now, if you ask us, that sounds pretty awful… So get down to Revolution instead!
If you think Glasto causes FOMO, just imagine what our BIG FRIDAY FESTIVAL SPECIAL can do to people!
Want in? Book a table today to get involved – we’ve got the best summer anthems, the craziest summer cocktails and thankfully, not a pair of wellies in sight.
Go on, what are you waiting for? We’re curing your FOMO in the tastiest possible way!