Always watching us. Looming a mere 263,000 miles away. And literally controlling the seas that cover 70% of our planet and mean the difference between glorious vodka-fuelled life and salty underwater death.
Yep, that settles it – we’re pretty terrified of the moon.
And now, as if the entire month of January wasn’t disastrous enough, there’s another supermoon arriving on 31st January, to ruin the start of February too.
This one isn’t even just a supermoon. It’s a super blue blood moon. And the first to occur in 152 years (according to The Guardian).
Don’t see what the big deal is about a slightly bigger, blood-red moon? Well, sit back, forget everything you learned during GCSE Science, and let us talk you through all the creepy stuff that happens during this terrifying lunar event.
THE SEA LITERALLY ATTACKS US
Remember when we said the moon controls the seas?
Well, SCIENCE ALERT, but it’s actually the moon’s pesky gravity which causes the tides to rise and fall each day. And so with a moon that’s a whopping 20% bigger than usual? You better believe there’s gonna be some dramatic tides.
If you want our advice, we recommend stocking up on sandbags and preparing for the worst, ‘cause if you’ve seen the movie The Day After Tomorrow, that’s what to expect.*
*You’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about, it won’t be that bad.**
Or will it?
**Seriously, it won’t. Probably not anyway. Who can be sure?
DUH, WEREWOLVES, OBVIOUSLY
Now, we would obviously never, ever, ever say that werewolves might actually exist because someone would probably come and take all our lovely, lovely vodka away. All we’re saying is that crime rates around the world tend to go up drastically during a supermoon.
And so do hospital records of bite-related injuries. And wax appointment bookings. Which we’re sure is just a coincidence.
Just. A. Coincidence.
YOUR PETS GO CRAY
You know like, in the majority of horror movies, when a dog will violently bark at something to warn the human characters of their impending doom?
And despite the dog never being a barker before, the idiot human characters will ignore the good boy and even mock the good boy’s barking?
And then, to the surprise of absolutely no-one watching, every single human character will be violently murdered over the course of 90 minutes by the very thing the dog was trying to warn them about?
Yeah, well, not to alarm you or anything, but the supermoon is kind of like that. Animals have such a sixth sense they are easily unsettled by the very creepy, completely terrifying supermoon, so expect to hear doggos barking all night long.
SLEEP IS JUST LIKE, NOT HAPPENING, AT ALL
We’re sorry to be the one to tell you this, but that 7-hours-and-13-minutes sleep you get every night? Well, you better be prepared to get through the working day on a 6-hours-and-33-minutes, ‘cause that’s all you’re getting when a supermoon comes about.
That’s right, researchers discovered that during a supermoon, the majority of people are expected to sleep 45 minutes less, with 30% less deep sleep – which means tomorrow is going to be basically impossible.
And if you do manage somehow get your usual allocation of ZZZs, well…
GET READY FOR SOME NIGHTMARES, HUN
What’s the worst nightmare you’ve ever had?
Ours revolves around the guy with glasses from Pointless saying ‘Actually’ and then providing Very Surprising Facts while doing that look straight into the camera he does on a continuous loop for eight hours.
“Actually, kiwis have 3 times as much Vitamin C as oranges.”
“Actually, diamonds can be made from peanut butter.”
“Actually, vending machines kill more people than sharks.”
MAKE. IT. STOP.
Anyway, the point is, researchers at the University of Sacramento have found that the supermoon has been known to cause restless sleep with subjects complaining of vivid nightmares.
Which means we’re gonna see a lot of Richard Osman tonight.
GETTING SURGERY? DON’T
Look, if you have to go under the knife, you have to go under the knife.
But if you’re just getting some keyhole surgery for your gammy knee which you’ve basically put up with for the last six years, maybe rearrange that for when the supermoon isn’t looming right above us. Why? Because astrologists have found that surgery success rates are much lower during the supermoon.
Oh? You can’t rearrange your surgery? So you’ll have to go under the knife? With the supermoon above?
Right. We’re sure you’ll be fine.
YOUR CREATIVITY SOARS, SOMEHOW
Scientists don’t understand it. Astrologists pretend to understand it (which means they don’t). And even we don’t really get it completely.
And what is ‘it’ exactly? Somehow, the supermoon is believed to be a magical force that sparks super creativity in people during the time it’s with us.
Yes, we know what you’re thinking, this post obviously wasn’t written when the supermoon was looming! Ha! Burn! Ha ha ha! And you’d be right too!
But if you really want to make the most of those extra creative juices when the supermoon comes?
Mix those juices with the best premium spirits and fresh, fruity ingredients at our Cocktail Masterclass!
We’ll let you on some of our expert cocktail making secrets, show you how to create the dreamiest flavour combos – and yes, you’ll have a damn good time doing so!
At the very least you’ll get tipsy enough to forget about the horrors of the blue bloody supermoon, or whatever the hell it’s called. Oh, and we don’t allow werewolves in – so you’re super safe here too.