Ah, January. You make resolutions (that you won’t even start, let alone stick to), you start jogging (even though it’s -4° outside), you go on a dreadful diet (when what you really need right now is some serious comfort food). It’s all just so… Ugh, January.
Chances are, you’re doing January all wrong. Here’s a list of potential pitfalls and how to avoid them, to help you make it through ‘til Feb. Hooray, you’re saved… For a few more weeks at least.
1. You’ve set yourself up for a fall already
Whether it’s dieting, not drinking, or even just dusting the house more often, we all have our hopes and dreams for this dreary month.
The reason we fail? Because we over-promise ourselves. No, you can’t stop drinking/smoking/eating/swearing/Netflix-bingeing all at once… It’s just too damn much to ask.
Aim small guys, and remember… Baby steps. Put down your protein shaker of pond-dredge (it’s not a balanced breakfast), bust out the biscuits and give yourself a break. And, breathe.
2. You’ve actually left the house at all
You’ve probably already worked it out by now, but leaving the house was a big mistake.
You should have just stayed inside, surrounded by the safety of blankets and Netflix, never venturing more three feet away from the sofa or toaster.
You mean, you’re not there right now? Get your arse back home, you absolute buffoon.
3. You’ve barged into at least four middle-aged women at some sort of January sale
We know you got vouchers (plus some seriously crap presents you needed to return) but that should have been a quick in-and-out job, 15 minutes max.
If you do find yourself in some sort of retail outlet, don’t get sucked in.
Otherwise, you’ll soon be running the gauntlet of sale rails, frantically rummaging, and freaking out about fellow shoppers smelling your fear like it’s some sort of Hunger Games, River Island-edition.
4. You’ve embarked on a crazy detox/juice cleanse
If you think that spending January guzzling three litres of sludge-like green sh*t a day will give you a Hasselhoff-esque, Baywatch-worthy beach bod… Well, you’ve got another thing coming. And probably a very farty month ahead.
Step away from the sports bottle, my friend… Prrrp!
5. You’ve splurged an eye-watering amount on fancy new exercise gear
Like splashing £93 on new trainers was really going to get you running.
The closest your gym kit has come to a squat is when you’ve sat back down on the sofa, and as for burpees? Well, let’s just say they’re bottom of your list right now, and the only thing burping is… well, see Number 4.
Girls, we know you’re already eyeballing your IVY PARK bodysuit for your next BNO… So go on, go for it. You’ll totally get away with it, and if anyone asks – it’s Topshop, right?
6. You’ve already forgotten what it’s like to feel festive
You walked past so many drooping Christmas trees on the way home from work, you’re starting to feel deeply depressed. Next year’s festivities feel so far away, you almost believe you won’t even make it that far.
The only remedy? Make like the late, great George Michael (SOB) and throw on a bit of Wham!. Have one more cry to Last Christmas, then force yourself to cheer the F up.
Or Father Christmas will be very disappointed.
7. You’ve actually even bothered to start your diet in the first place
Why bother, when the house is full of mountains of glittery, golden shortbread, nestled in those tempting tartan tins? You can practically hear it calling “Awright ye, dinnae just sit thare, come ‘n’ scran me!”.
There’s still a few stragglers left in that box of Celebrations… Who cares if all that’s left is Bountys? Surely coconut counts as one of your five-a-day in some sick, sick way.
Nope, dieting in January is totally useless. In fact, we’d even call it the chocolate teapot of New Year’s resolutions (Did somebody say chocolate? Mmmm).
Particularly when you find out about our 50% off food offer, available throughout the entire month. That’s right matey, book in advance and everything on our food menu is half price.
What are you waiting for? Get involved!