Whatever you do this Easter, spare a thought for the Easter Bunny.
After spreading unconditional love, joy and most importantly, chocolate, for more than a millennia, the Easter Bunny still lives, day after day, in the fairly considerable shadow of a vicious dictator.
You know him well. A figure who distributes wealth based on a subjective assessment to be good. The orchestrator of a regime that relies on the exploitation of the lower elf classes. A man who refuses to do one day of work unless supplied with offerings, like mince pies and brandy, from his subjects.
Yes, that’s right, we’re talking about the one and only Santa Claus.
And if we’re honest, we’re sick of the red-suited dictator getting all the attention, so with Easter right around the corner, it’s finally time for the Easter Bunny to shine.
But just who is the Easter Bunny? Well, let’s find out in our usual serious manner…
IT’S NOT EVEN A BUNNY
We know what you’re thinking…
But, but, but… It’s in the name. Easter Bunny. Right there. I’m trying to read a blog about Easter Bunny facts on my lunch break because I’ve got nothing better to do, and now you’re telling me it’s not even a bunny? Can I trust anything anymore? Has my whole life been a lie?
Yes, we’re sorry, but the Easter Bunny you’ve come to know and moderately accept into your life is actually an Easter Hare. Which we’ll admit, it’s kind of the same, except bigger, faster, more likely to bite you if you try to pet them, and commonly known as a bit of an a***hole after that encounter with the tortoise.
But apart from all that, we wonder why they didn’t just go with Easter Hare???
APPARENTLY THE EASTER BUNNY/HARE IS MALE TOO
According to a very scientific Twitter poll started by user @iLikeBigBunnysICannotLie, more than 80% of his 58 followers believe the Easter Bunny is male.
Which we’re sure you’ll agree, is pretty damn conclusive.
Like, definitely no need to dig further into this. Nope. Wondering how a male bunny is able to somehow lay eggs as the legend goes? Don’t. It’s over. The Easter Bunny is male. Don’t think about it too much. We already did. It hurt.
AND HE’S GERMAN TOO!
Cars. Sausages. Pilsner. And now, there’s yet another thing to thank for Germans for, and that’s every single childhood memory of hunting down those colourful eggs and eating so so many in one sitting.
Yes, that’s right, your favourite ever memory basically belongs to Germany, because the Easter Bunny comes from the German tradition of Osterhase – which literally means Easter hare.
And while digging into the old German tradition, we found something kind of startling…
THE EASTER BUNNY IS LITERALLY JUST LIKE SANTA
Nope, The Easter Bunny doesn’t wear a red suit, use reindeers as his personal Uber service, or even get you a bicycle once a year on a pre-specified date.
But according to the legend, the Easter Bunny does follow suit with Santa’s criminal regime by only giving coloured eggs to children he deems have been good.
Yep, the Easter Bunny basically started out as a strange Simon Cowell hologram thing, deciding whether children were naughty or nice, then laying eggs for the good ones.
And if we’re honest! We’re just sick of it at this point! We don’t want to be good! We just want to eat chocolate eggs without analysing our skewed moral compass before every bite! Please! Just let us be!
HE LAYS EVERY SINGLE EASTER EGG IN EXISTENCE
What’s your reaction to the fact that 50 million Easter eggs are made every single year?
You: Wow! I never knew Cadbury made so many eggs! They must be a really efficient company!
Us, intellectuals: While Santa Claus works just one day a year, the Easter Bunny spends every single day of his life laying the eggs which you enjoy every Easter at a rate of 136,986 eggs per day, or 1.5 eggs per second. This means there is never a second when a chocolate egg is not leaving his body. In the time it’s taken you to read this paragraph, the Easter Bunny has laid at least 7.5 eggs. You will probably eat one of them this Easter. Savour it.
SO IN A WAY, YOU’RE EATING HIS CHILDREN
Be honest, in your lifetime, how many Easter eggs do you think you’ve scoffed down?
10? Nah, you did that much last year alone.
30? Maybe. 50? 100? Do you even feel a little bit bad? Do you have any heart at all? Those are his children. They all have names, you know.
Maltesers. Milkybar. Galaxy. And the Easter Bunny’s favourite child… Creme Egg.
THE EASTER BUNNY WILL ENSLAVE THE HUMAN RACE AS REVENGE
There is literally no doubt in our minds about this.
Soon, before we know it, before we can prepare, before the U.S. has time to declare all-out war, the Easter Bunny will rise up and take control, and only those who don’t like chocolate and have never eaten one of his children will survive the onslaught.
Seriously, this is the end for us. He will squeeze us to death in monstrous bunny-bear-hugs. We will be forced to sing I wish it could be Easter every day, and, because he will control the entire world, it will actually be Easter every day.
The Easter Bunny will make Santa, dear dear Santa, walk the streets naked while we’re forced to shout SHAME and throw unused Christmas presents from over the years at his face. (Sorry for hitting you with a toaster, Santa. We had no choice.)
And if we’re honest? We deserve this. We’ve had it too good for too long. When the Easter Bunny Eggpocalypse begins, we just pray that the end is quick.
Well, that escalated quickly. Even for us, that got pretty dark.
But if you worry about the Easter Bunny taking over the world like we do, we’ve got something to help you out…
Forget eating his children this Easter, and drink some of our Chocolate Egg Handcrafted Flavour instead! Yes, it’s BACK, and it’s here to fuel our Big Easter Weekend, so come get scrambled with a whopping FOUR DAYS of party!
Book in advance on Saturday or Sunday for a FREE Big Blank Canvas sharing cocktail, and if you NEED to find out more? Simply click here and let us whisk you away this Easter.