We really love burgers.
No. In fact. We really really love burgers.
We love burgers so much that we wanted to a) rename the majority of our cocktails so they had the word burger in them, b) consider an ill-advised rebrand where we changed our logo to a giant patty and c) write a blog detailing every type of burger you’ve ever eaten in your life and give them our definitive review.
And after being carefully talked down over the first two, we pushed forward with the third.
THE FAST FOOD ONE
It always seems like the best idea, doesn’t it?
It’s 3AM on one of those Extremely Lairy nights out with people you really really need to do this more often with and you’re just starting to get that level of drunk where you’re getting a bit sleepy and honestly if you don’t get your mouth around a Big Mac in the next ten minutes you’re going to make such a scene that you’ll probably get arrested but you don’t even care.
It will be good for me, you say. It will help me sober up and line my stomach for the inevitable hangover, you say. This 1000 calories of fast food is my own personal brand of self-care actually, you sloppily tell the poor employee behind the till.
And then you get it. And obviously it looks nothing like the photos and you always forget about the weird bread to meat ratio (and how said bread just doesn’t taste real? Like it was made in a lab? Like it came fourth in a bread lookalike competition?), but The Fast Food One always fills your empty hollow centre whether you’re drunk or hungover or driving for more than two hours and for that alone you will come back to this burger again and again and again and again.
THE BBQ ONE
Be honest, you’ve never had a good BBQ burger, have you?
Think back. Remember the Tesco finest burgers you bought especially being criminally overcooked by a lad called Rory who is pretending to the Grand Master of the grill just because he has a Kiss The Chef apron. Remember trying to save your burger with the last dregs of ketchup. Remember the way the burger was so dry you wish you had a friend well versed in the intricacies of the Heimlich maneuver.
But be honest! You don’t care about the taste! Not to be all poetic here! But we’re going to! A BBQ is all about the feeling! The smells! The relationship between man and fire! Which is why you’re never gonna stop eating BBQ burgers! Despite how bad they are! And they are very bad!
THE BIG BOY ONE
It looks amazing. It’s got all your favourite extras on. It seriously looks like the most delicious burger you’ve ever seen…
But unfortunately, the human jaw is unable to unhinge itself in such a way to fit this absolute beast into your mouth. It’s enough, for that brief moment, to make you wish you were a snake, with their impressive jaw span. You’ve never wanted to be a snake before, have you? But when you’re taking a knife to your 2-foot tall burger and dismantling all its deliciousness, being an elongated, legless reptile doesn’t seem too bad at all.
THE RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE ONE
You see it there on the menu. It’s uses words like EXTREME. DELUXE. Or, like, BIG. It mentions ingredients like a gold leaf bun, a handful of lobster, Japanese dry-aged wagyu steak, and it’s only, oh, right, £15 more than you can feasibly afford.
But you deserve a treat every now and again. You’re a good person. You pay your taxes. You deserve good things. So you order it and it takes ages but when it finally comes…
It’s just okay? Like, it’s fine? It’s a burger? It tastes like a burger? Probably better than other burgers you’ve had? But not by that much? And now you can’t afford lunch this month? So maybe it wasn’t worth it? Just maybe?
Look, we all need to get The Ridiculously Expensive One at least once. And only once.
THE CLEAN EATING ONE THAT IS BASICALLY A BURGER WITHOUT THE BUN WHICH IF YOU ASK US ISN’T ACTUALLY A BURGER SO WE REFUSE TO SERIOUSLY REVIEW THIS SHAM AND HAVE ONLY INCLUDED IT BECAUSE YOU’LL PROBABLY EAT ONE IN THOSE GUILTY POST-CHRISTMAS DAYS WHEN YOU’RE FEELING QUOTE-UNQUOTE ‘A BIT BEEFY’ BUT THEN YOU’LL REALISE THAT THIS LITTLE SLAB OF SADNESS IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A BURGER AND YOU’LL COME TO YOUR SENSES AND NEVER COMMIT THIS KIND OF SIN EVER AGAIN
We will not be making any further statement at this time.
AND FINALLY, THE BEST ONE
You know the one. The one where the juices start to run it’s cooked but it’s still moist when you come to bite into it. The one that manages to step right on the fine line between seasoned and over-seasoned and coats your mouth with flavour. And then there’s the bun, lightly toasted on both sides but still retains good cushioning to soak up those burger juices.
See, we know all about this one, because it’s every last one of our delicious burgers.
Want to find out what we’re talking about? Well, book a table on Monday or Thursday and you could be chowing down on that Smokin’ Bacon Burger for just £5, thanks to our Monday Sucks offer. That’s right! And as if that wasn’t enough, we’ll even let you wash that tasty burger down with 2-4-1 cocktails, ALL DAY long!