Let’s just get this out the way, kids: January is the worst month ever.
Come on, it all starts with you not having a single clue How To Do Your Job after just eleven days off. Then, despite all your tinsel-themed protests, you’re forced to come to terms with the fact you’re now living in an unfestive world that doesn’t contain an endless supply of those lil’ Lindt balls.
And to top it all off, until that lovely, lovely automated payment magically makes its way into your bank, you’re skint. Like, really skint.
Luckily though, we’re here to help you out. Sure, we can’t give you an endless supply of Lindt balls, but you know what we can do? Give you some money-saving tips to make your January, and your life, that lil’ bit richer.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST CANCEL THAT GYM MEMBERSHIP
You did it again, didn’t you? Sometime around December 27th or 28th, while wandering around the house muttering something about eating 47 pigs-in-blankets and 15-and-a-half roast potatoes, you did something unthinkable…
You re-joined that gym you hate. The one you purposefully left twice before. The one with that smell. The one that takes you an hour to get to. ‘But, but there’s £5 off the signing on fee!’ you say into the void.
And if we’re honest, we’re just a bit sick of you by this point. Every year we tell you to cancel that membership, ‘cause come on, taking your gym kit to work and then back home again every day does not count towards Going To The Gym. Please. For the love of God. Do the right thing here. For once.
SET FIRE TO ALL YOUR BANK CARDS
Okay, maybe don’t set fire to them, but definitely lock your debit and credit cards in a darkened room as much as possible in 2018.
Why? Well, when those pesky scientists aren’t studying important topics like How Many Marshmallows Can A Pigeon Fit In Its Mouth (four, by the way), they are finding out that spending money on your card vs. cash actually results in different brain activity.
Basically, when you spend using your card, you, dun-dun-dun… Don’t feel guilty about it. No matter what it is. Not a lick of guilt. It could be your third McDonald’s of the day. No guilt. You could be spending £76 every single day on chicken nuggets. And guess what? No guilt. Just an extended waistline.
So whatever you do, pay with cash every now and again, and feel the full force of guilty feelings that comes with visiting McDonald’s seven times a day.
CANCEL NETFLIX. ‘BORROW’ SOMEONE ELSE’S
When you’re in financial dire straits, at least you can rely on Netflix to occupy all those evenings you’ve been forced to stay at home, pasta sauce on your shirt and a feeling of shame every time the screen goes black and you see the reflection of your double chin.
However, the subscription fee is now a whopping £7.99. That’s basically £8! Eight! All to watch episodes of Friends you’ve seen hundreds of times before! Which is a bit ironic! Because if you had any friends! Real friends! You wouldn’t have so much time to spend watching Friends! Now you could look inward and analyse this further but shhh go away! Chandler is saying something self-deprecating and totally relatable!
So, you’re going to save that £7.99 by asking to ‘borrow’ your mate’s/your ex’s/your mortal enemy’s account log-in. And then if you accidentally forget to log out for the next three years and they don’t notice, well…
LITERALLY BECOME A HIPSTER
Yep, 2018 is the year you turn your crippling poverty into minimal amounts of street cred by never shaving and trading shopping at Next for buying the cheapest clothes at vintage shop.
Okay, sure, you might have to start feigning an appreciation for foreign cinema and Japanese vaporwave. And yeah, you will definitely have to go from being tthe second worst member of your friendship group to the absolute worst, but come on, think of all the money you’ll save while completely abandoning your actual personality to develop a pretentious love for things no sane person would actually enjoy!
NEVER PAY TO SMELL NICE AGAIN
Right, we don’t know if you’re aware of this… But aftershave and perfume is actually, like, really expensive.
Seriously, it’s like £50 for a small bottle. That you’ll only really use for Tinder dates. Where you’ll have nothing in common with the person. So go your separate ways after an hour. And you’ll realise you did like three spritzes before you left. So that’s, what, like £7 of smell wasted on someone who doesn’t have an all-time favourite Britney Spears song? Yes, yes it is.
However, with a bit of commitment, it doesn’t have to be this way. All it takes is a quick trip to Boots’ sample perfume aisle every single day for the rest of your life. Sure, it might get awkward with Kathy who works in the perfume section. But that’s fine – if you’ve been following this list so far, you’ll have long shed that useless sense of shame you used to be so fond of.
Now, we know that all these suggestions are definitely super helpful. Maybe they cost at least some degree of decency. And okay, the hipster one is a bit out there. We’ll give you that.
But if you really want a quick and easy life hack to save you loads of money?
We’ve got 50% off our ENTIRE menu for the WHOLE of January! That’s right. Simply book in advance, and if you can chomp it, chew it, or smother it in our famous smokkinaise, it’s yours for half the price!
So what are you waiting for? Forget becoming a hipster this month, and book a table with us instead!