When it comes to the weather, the English have certainly drawn the short straw.
It’s a genuinely pitiable state of affairs. Not only is it often cold, the low temperatures are usually accompanied by a generous side order of rain.
That’s why the majority of English people tend to transform into a frenzied clan of sun-worshipping lemmings at the first glimmer of sunlight.
And when summer comes and that sunlight becomes a little more frequent, the whole nation melts down. Here’s how you know it’s happening:
We show some skin
We’re not a prudish people. We only cover up our entire bodies in three layers of clothing for 11/12ths of the year because it would be sadomasochistic not to.
Because when the sun comes out, we start to show skin like a bunch of actual Europeans. T-shirts. Vests. Shorts. Skirts. When summer hits, we’re not shy about getting our fix of vitamin D.
We all get burnt
Don’t worry. You’ve not woken up in a Martian city full of red anthropoids. Those are just English human beings who don’t know how to use the summer sunshine responsibly.
This is probably the most obvious sign that summer is here. Suns out, guns out, guns get burnt by overexposure to UV rays.
Be smart kids, wear sunscreen.
Beer. Beer. Cocktails. Beer. Wine. Cocktails.
Nothing, literally nothing goes better with sunshine than a beverage that’s both refreshing and alcoholic in equal measure.
And boy don’t we know it. As soon as summer strikes, usually dead beer gardens across the nation become mini-Glastonburys, except the headline acts are way better than Adele, Coldplay and Muse – they’re Beer, Wine and Cocktails.
At this time of year, you’ll start to notice a strange feeling in your chest, a sensation not unlike if the universe itself had betrayed you.
That feeling is FOMO. Usually as a result of the fact that everyone around you seems to be at an awesome festival that you totally forgot to get tickets for.
BBQ…so much BBQ
Your dad spent a lot of money on it. Your mum was not impressed. He insisted it would be perfect for when summer came. So when summer strikes, your dad WILL break out the BBQ.
It’s just the way it goes. And quite frankly, it’s awesome.
We all…inexplicably leave the country?
So we’ve spent a large majority of the year suffering in stiff upper lipped silence under a moody blanket of clouds and drizzle. Finally, after months of waiting, summer comes around and we can finally enjoy England at its sunny finest! So what do we do?
Book holidays to leave the country to enjoy the summer sunshine somewhere else. Hmmm. Interesting. No wonder the sun doesn’t visit us often – we don’t really show it the appreciation it deserves.
We completely neglect responsibility
Essay deadline tomorrow? Supposed to pick up a mate from the airport? Conducting life-threatening heart surgery? Drop it.
Sunlight is more precious than anything in England, so as soon as it’s available, drop whatever you’re doing and lap it up.
We drop a spectacular new set of summer special cocktails
You know summer is getting real when we mix up a new batch of cocktails to celebrate the sunshine.
Say a big hello to our Lost Summer range of Stoli cocktails. You’re going to love them.
If you want to get lost in summer, there’s no better place to do it than in one of our bars.
Check out the new cocktails here and get ready to get your summer on.