Halloween is upon us, and unlike every other year so far, it’s actually been pretty scary this time around.
Because clowns, that’s why. Creepy clowns. Stalking the streets in a bid to shock you down to your core.
And as much as you tell yourself that they’re all just saddos in costumes unworthy of your fear, that doesn’t change the fact that if you encountered one you’d run like you’ve never ran before.
That’s why we’ve come up with a handy plan of action for you. Follow our suggestions and bring those clowns back to reality.
Test their skills
So a clown has just jumped out at you. Instead of running, you take out three colourful balls from your pocket and throw them at the clown.
Unless the clown catches them all and starts juggling, you know you’re onto a phony. That’s when you say:
‘Call yourself a clown buddy?’, and walk off smugly into the night.
The pie trick
If there’s one thing clowns love, it’s taking pies to the face. It’s their thing, their schtick.
So when you’re on your way home from the takeaway with a kilo worth of doner kebab and cheesy chips in your arms and a clown jumps out on you, you know what to do.
Throw it straight in their face.
Dress up as a clown, get food thrown at your head. If they don’t like it, maybe they shouldn’t have dressed up as a clown.
Grab their face
If you manage to get in close enough, make like the Mystery Gang and pull that mask straight off.
Yeah, you’re all scary behind that mask. But without it, you’re just a weirdo in colourful pantaloons with no social life to speak of.
One up their crazy
These idiots dressing up as creepy clowns are relying upon one universal social expectation.
Namely, that the person they’re trying to scare is more sane than them.
So, in order to tip the balance in your favour, turn on the crazy. As soon as they jump out on you, just scream in their face like an absolute maniac.
They’ll soon be running in the opposite direction when they think they’ve just angered a genuine psychopath.
Give them a reality check
This one’s common sense.
If someone comes up to you on Saturday night wearing a clown costume, just tell it like it is.
‘Stop right there mate. Get a grip. What you’re doing is genuinely pathetic. Evidently, your life is so empty and sad that one, you’ve clearly got not nothing to do on a Saturday night and two, you’ve got nothing to spend your money on other than clown costumes. Come on dude, get a grip.’
It’s harsh, but ultimately, you’d be doing them a favour.
Follow these rules, and you’ll be officially clown proof.
Of course, there’s only one guaranteed way to avoid any clown-related troubles.
Come to your nearest Revolution for a round of cocktails.
We operate a zero tolerance No Clown Costumes policy in all of our bars, so there’s literally no chance of any clowning around on our watch.
Unless of course you’re joining us for one of our Big Freakend parties this weekend, in which case everyone will be in costume anyway.
Either way, you’ll be in for a freakishly good time.