Secret santa can go one way or the other.
You can draw the name of that co-worker you’ve always kind of fancied, and you’ll finally be able to express a deep understanding of his/her personality with the perfect gift.
Or, you can draw Linda, the 64 year old receptionist who you’ve literally never said a word to. What do old ladies even like? Shortbread? Wellies? Portable FM Radios?
Whoever you’re stuck with, we can help you out by pointing out what not to get.
To save yourself some serious cringe, avoid these at all costs.
1. Lynx Deodorant Gift Set
Nothing says smelly virgin like a Lynx Deodorant gift set. We’re pretty damn sure the office lothario sales guy won’t appreciate this one. It will be salt in the wounds if there’s an attractive colleague he’s desperately trying to tick off his Christmas wish list.
2. Guinea Pig T-Shirt
Who remembers these off last year’s Apprentice? Let’s face it, wearing a Guinea Pig Face T-Shirt just makes you look like you have absolutely no friends and a not-so-secret psychological attachment to small furry animals. The fashionable Topshop girl would hate your guts for this.
3. Geek Mug
Wouldn’t it be merry to remind someone of their days back at school where they used to be ruthlessly bullied? Hmm.. probably not. The IT guy with thick prescription lenses probably despises the phrase. Even more so now it’s become a trendy mug slogan, right after he escaped adolescence and acne.
4. Cock Flavoured Soup Mix
If you give this to the flirtatious female in the office, it’s won’t go well as you thought. At all. Nothing suggests someone’s a little loose like Cock Flavoured soup to keep them warm this Christmas.
5. Justin Bieber Autobiography
With Justin’s recent bangers, I know we’re all starting to become ‘Beleibers’, but giving someone a copy of his autobiography is a serious step too far.
6. Clone-a-willy kit
Just what someone wants for Christmas! We all know that single people like it when someone reminds them that their love life’s DOA with a thoughtful Clone-a-willy present.
7. Jingle My Bells Boxers
Novelty socks are acceptable and so are jumpers, but what about a pair of Jingle My Bells boxer shorts? If you feel comfortable buying your colleague underwear, we suggest you see a doctor. Please do not give these to your 60-year-old colleague whose wife has swapped the sex for sewing crafts.
8. Bitch Pills
If there’s someone in the office who thinks they’re better than everyone else, buying them a bottle of Bitch Pills is tempting. However, you might end up getting a call from HR.
9. Nose Trimmer
We all know one person who has thick, black wiry hairs poking out of their nose so bad that you could probably comb them. How on earth do they not notice them? Well, this isn’t the most gentle of reminders that they’ve let themselves go. Maybe a few beers will be a safer bet.
10. Name A star
Great, just what someone’s been dreaming of! A gift that you can’t physically use OR see? YAY! In reality, this is completely useless unless they’re interested in astronomy. We’re pretty sure the receptionist hasn’t got a spare telescope lying around in her one-bedroom city apartment to see her teeny star. Give this one a miss.
Bad Secret Santa gifts aside
Want to avoid going on the naughty list this Christmas? Here’s an idea. Why not treat your colleague to a deliciously festive office Christmas party and to cocktails at Revolution? It’ll tick all the boxes and it’s something they’ll remember.