1. Not only can you understand, you can pinpoint a fellow Scot’s exact place of residence from by their accent. For example:
Glegsa: “Awright mate, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun? Cheers, magic pal.”
Aberdeen: “Fit ya bin up tae? Fair few quines in the nicht, eh?”
Inverness: “Ah-ee, Rit Enufff! “How’s you keeeeeepeeeen? Och, yer seein’ it!”
Fife: “Aye, that wifie is getting it oan wi a laddie fae the butchers.”
2. To you, Sean Connery was – and always will be – without a doubt, the BEST James Bond.
Sit down, Daniel Craig.
3. You’re well aware that square sausage is the greatest sausage.
Link will never be an acceptable replacement – but you will tolerate it as an accompaniment as part of an all-day breakfast munchie box.
And people say Scottish life expectancy is lowest in the UK? Pffft. Nae bother pal, pass us that pizza crunch.
4. You grew up on Wham Bars, Caramel Wafers, Zap lollies, pick ‘n’ mix from Woolies and MB Bars, all washed down by sweet, nectar of the Gods: Red Kola.
Then you’d take the glass bottle back to the shop to get your 10p, because you might have been a cheeky wee yin but you were an economically-savvy wee yin at that.
5. When Scotland go 2-0 up against the Czechs in a qualifier in Prague and your mate says we’ll end up losing 3-2 here…
And all you can think is “Probably.”
6. An Oor Wullie annual from your granny was guaranteed at Christmas.
And your Dad’s still got one tucked behind the toilet for safekeeping/flicking through during a number two.
7. You consider Scottish conversation an art form:
“Aye, ahm askin’”
“Then aye, ahm dancin.”
8. You know the Scottish sense of humour is the best one in the world.
'This door is alarmed'. Yer a door, mate – wtf u got tae worry about?
— Is there really any need for all these characters? (@tazbuckfaster) November 15, 2017
9. When bringing in the messages, you carry all ten plastic bags like an absolute trojan, in a show of sheer brute strength and dogged determination.
In fact, your performance wouldn’t be out of place at the World’s Strongest Man final. Pat yourself on the back sir, for managing to do it in only one trip from the car to the door.
10. You’ve always got a spare quid for jakeys and you ALWAYS thanks the bus/taxi driver with a friendly “Cheers driver!”…
You can’t beat Scottish patter – OR a Scottish party for that matter.
“Here we, here we, here we f***ing go!”
And now? Well, it’ll come as no surprise we’re moving to Inversnecky!