Your. Mum.

Back in Year 9, when you were young, free, and wearing a backpack bigger than your entire body, those two words were the most important in the English language.

There’s no doubt about it, your mum jokes were a form of social currency in the schoolyard. A good your mum joke, delivered to the class bully and in front of a receptive audience, could raise your social standing from Unpopular Nerd to Slightly Less Unpopular Nerd in seconds.

And so, with Mother’s Day right around the corner, instead of giving you a list of wholesome last minute gift ideas, we’re pretending it’s pre-2010 and rounding up all those classic your mum jokes, then unnecessarily ranking them from worst to best based on how much they stung as a teenager. 

Enjoy!

1. Yo’ momma’s so…

Stop, stop, stop. You’re British. You’ve been to places like Scunthorpe on your summer holidays. You spend a quarter of your life randomly queuing. And for all those reasons, that means saying “Yo’ momma” is completely off the cards.

It’s Mum. Mummy. Mumsy. And if you’re especially Northern, we’ll even accept Mam. But not momma. Just… No.

2. Your mum’s so stupid she puts lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.

If you said this in the schoolyard, you were definitely the type of person who reminded the teacher that they’d forgotten to collect the homework they set.

It’s just, a bit too smart for its own good. A lot like you. Nerd.  

3. Your mum’s so stupid when you said it was chilly outside she grabbed a bowl.

Imagine, for a second, saying this out loud, to The Bully from your school. The guy who grew too tall too fast and seemingly hit puberty a full decade before you.

Do you think he would throw his head back in laughter, take you under his wing and say something like we should be friends? Or, alternatively, would he throw his head back and promptly headbutt you in the face then call you a massive mong?

*raises hand* We think we know the answer!

4. Your mum’s so stupid, she stared at a carton of apple juice for 12 hours because it said concentrate.

Right, we’re just gonna come out and say it, if you said your mum’s so stupid jokes at school, you were basic and you should feel bad about it.

These jokes failed on many levels but when we get down to it, nobody, not even that one girl who cried at everything in school, has ever cried after being on the receiving end of a your mum’s so stupid joke, which means they’re bad and should be stopped.

5. Your mum’s so old she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.

Sure, it doesn’t make us weep and want a cuddle from our mummy to wipe the tears away, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction.

6. Your mum’s so fat her profile picture was shot with a drone.

Ah, there we go. The your mum’s so fat one-liner was, and still is, the absolute pinnacle of all comedy.

It’s the ridiculous of it all really. No person is ever as large as in these jokes, but does it get much funnier than imagining a mother, any mother, our mother, your mother, the school bully’s mother, the literal size of a football pitch? So big, she can only be truly captured many many miles above.

Honestly, we think not.

7. Your mum’s so fat she can’t even jump to a conclusion.

Sometimes, a mum joke is delivered that causes the audience (the group of kids stood around) to reel away, hands to their shocked mouth, like they’ve just witnessed a pay-per-view knockout, before lifting their heads to the sky and in unison, all saying damn.

And you can always tell just how good the mum joke was, by the length of the damn that follows. So with that in mind, this gets a daaamn from us.   

8. Your mum’s so fat she takes selfies in panoramic mode.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.

9. Your mum’s so fat and unfamiliar with the gym she calls it The James.

If you said this in the schoolyard to someone, they were definitely running home in floods of tears and getting you detention for the rest of the week. Which was probably deserved to be honest.  

10. Your mum’s so emotionally unavailable you find yourself searching for a maternal figure in every walk of life but obviously never find anyone who can replace the love of a mother.

Okay! This! Is! Too! Real! Now!  

11. Your mum’s so fat she would greatly benefit from a calorie-controlled diet combined with regular exercise.

No really! Stop! It’s not funny anymore! She has an overactive thyroid! It’s not her fault! 

12. Your mum’s so ugly that it affects her self-esteem on a daily basis.

WE’RE NOT CRYING! YOU’RE CRYING!

13. Your mum’s so ugly her own portraits hang themselves.

Now, there are some your mum jokes so good, that when you say them, it grants you a popularity boost for the rest of your life. A mum joke so good people in your hometown talk about it every time you go back for Christmas. A mum joke so good, that people actually respect your own mum, for birthing the person who said a mum joke that good.

Well, this is one of those jokes.

 

Obviously, we are kidding with all these jokes. We love our mums, and if you love yours too?

Give her the very best gift this Mother’s Day, by letting us cook up a meal fit for a Queen with two courses from £9.95 and three courses from £12.95. That’s right, and if that somehow doesn’t work…

We’re even giving mum a FREE cocktail when you book in advance!

Now, we think all this is gonna bag you all sorts of brownie points this Mother’s Day. And actually, so does your mum.

She told us last night.

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