Ah, let’s be honest, we’ve all been to at least one crap house party.
You know the type. You’re forced to take your shoes off on arrival. There’s a guy with an acoustic guitar doing his best to master the three chords of Galway Girl. And most likely, you’re reading this blog AT a house party during a trip to the loo – not caused by a full bladder, but just ‘cause you’re pretty damn bored.
Well, lucky for you, we know what you’re going through, and at the risk of sounding like a Natwest advert, we’re here to help.
So if you find yourself at the type of party your parents would love, here’s our definitive guide on how to make the most of it.
DITCH YOUR FRIENDS ASAP
Okay, we know this sounds harsh, but hold on.
The biggest mistake everyone makes at a house party is huddling around the same people they arrived with, chatting about how much your rent is, and tagging each other in the latest memes on Twitter.
Instead, leave your friends to their huddle and seek out the most random people you can find.
Strike up a convo with the girl whos gone off the grid and traded her iPhone for a Nokia 3310. Become best friends with the group playing beer pong with an egg timer instead of a ball. Tell the guy on the stairs that his life goal of becoming CEO of Boots so he can get unlimited meal deals is ‘pretty cool’ and you’d do the same ‘if you had the time’.
Basically, meet everyone and anyone you can find at this terrible house party. Pure entertainment for days.
HANG THE DJ
Look, we all know a bad party stems from a bad soundtrack.
So if the current DJ – or the Spotify playlist that has been left to lazily tick over – jumps from techno-fuelled happy hardcore to Aqua’s seminal hit, Barbie Girl, you’re going to have to step in and be the change you want to see in the world (house party).
Now, by no means are we saying you should get up there and play the seven songs you know that aren’t embarrassing. Absolutely never.
Instead, use your new-found friendships to find someone who has Spotify premium, a high self-esteem, and can be trusted to not play an Oasis album in full.
DON’T GET *TOO* DRUNK
We know what you’re thinking. At a terrible house party, surely the goal is to get as drunk as possible?
Well… Not exactly. If anything, you want to toe the fine line between tipsy and drunk.
Tipsy-you is a lil’ too self-aware, while drunk-you has no knowledge of the controversial sounds leaving their mouth. But in that sweet spot in between, you’re loose-lipped, fun, charming even.
In fact, the back garden becomes your stage, everyone else is the audience you’re feeding your best stories, and suddenly, even though you can still hear someone pissing about with an acoustic guitar, you think this house party might not be so bad.
KNOW WHEN TO CALL IT A DAY
Now, this is tricky.
Leave a bad party when there’s still time for it to improve, you might just miss the party of the century. Leave it too late, and suddenly you’ve wasted another night when you could have finally started rewatching Game Of Thrones from the beginning. So here’s what we reckon:
11PM: What? You shouldn’t even be arriving ‘til at least half-eleven.
12AM: We feel like you’re not even trying to have a good time.
1AM: You could leave now under the guise of a ‘big day’ tomorrow, but you probably won’t be invited to the next party.
2AM: Your original friends are leaving, but your new friends have found another tray of jello shots… So you’re staying!
3AM: You shouldn’t have stayed. The jello shots lasted approximately 14 seconds and you don’t know the names of any of your new friends.
4AM: What are you still doing there? Even the host has had enough and gone to bed.
5AM: At this point, you might as well just kip on the sofa. You animal.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, BRING THE PARTY SPIRIT
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Go on, get ready for a taste of awesome.