It’s almost that time again… Festival season.
You know the one. The season where you see some of your least favourite musical acts whilst patiently waiting for your third favourite band. The season where you sit back in a foldable chair you’re guaranteed to fall through at some point. The season where you lug around a holdall packed with nothing but cans and cereal bars, both of which you’ll attempt to finish within four hours of arriving.
Festivals are some of the greatest and strangest places you can go this summer. But which festival deserves your cold hard cash? Which festival ticks all the boxes? Which festival makes having mud in every orifice kind of worth it?
Well, to help you out, we’ve reviewed the five biggest UK festivals to end this debate once and for all.
What is it? The largest gathering of glow sticks ever recorded.
Where is it? Warrington (we know nothing about Warrington. Sorry).
What type of person attends this festival? It’s the type of festival where a guy called Jack turns up without a tent or a sleeping bag and when you ask him where he expects to sleep he just says ‘gonna wing it, mate’.
Oh, and obviously, Jack is wearing a bucket hat. As is everybody else.
What kind of tunes are you going to be standing around listening to? It’s a dance festival… A dance one… With house, trance and EDM acts… That you dance to… Apparently… In Warrington… With other British people… When it’s probably raining… Hmmm… We’re not sure… We’re just not sure about this one.
Alright, now what could I buy instead of getting a ticket? It’s £175 for a standard ticket, which is not only a bit steep for a two-day festival but think of all the bitcoin you could buy for that! (Like Warrington, we legit know nothing about bitcoin).
Official Revolution rating? Unless you are that guy called Jack or own 12 bucket hats, it’s a 1/10 from us.
What is it? A bit loud tbqhwy.
Where is it? Donington, which is in the East Midlands, and is quite annoying because no matter where you are in the country, it’s always at least a 3-hour drive away. We can’t explain this phenomenon but it’s true.
What type of person attends this festival? People who still read Kerrang! and desperately want to relive their adolescence for starters. But much more specifically, people who post things on Facebook about how many songwriters it took to write Beyonce’s Run The World (twelve) versus how many it took to write any Metallica song (probably one, right?).
What kind of tunes are you going to be standing around listening to? Download is a nostalgic time capsule of that feeling when you were 15 and a bit angry and a bit sad and a bit overly dramatic all at once so it should come as no surprise that every headliner at Download tends to be a band that’s a bit angry and a bit sad and a bit overly dramatic too. Slipknot. Iron Maiden. You get the idea.
Alright, now what could I buy instead of getting a ticket? The standard ticket is 200 big ones and we recently found this Nicholas Cage pillowcase for a tenner so you could buy 20 of those?
Official Revolution rating? 4/10. Don’t @ us.
READING & LEEDS
What is it? It’s where everybody breaks their festival virginity. And maybe their actual virginity. But we couldn’t possibly comment on that.
Where is it? Come on. You know this one. It’s right there at the top!
What type of person attends this festival? Teenagers celebrating the end of exams. Teenagers drinking 24 very very warm cans of Strongbow Dark Fruits in one day. Teenagers who wear a t-shirt under an actual shirt which they don’t button and then call it an outfit.
Basically, if you attend Reading and Leeds once you’re in your twenties, you’re probably going to be the oldest person there. And that’s including the stewards.
What kind of tunes are you going to be standing around listening to? The Reading & Leeds Festival website describes the event as being full of chart heavyweights and acts spanning the hottest names right now in rock, indie, dance and loads more.
But really, we have a sneaking suspicion the organisers spend 11 months of every year desperately trying to sign the Arctic Monkeys. And when they inevitably cannot sign the Arctic Monkeys, they sign acts as similar to the Arctic Monkeys as humanly possible.
So if we had to describe the kind of tunes you’re going to listen to at Reading & Leeds festival in a few words… It’s a bit like the Arctic Monkeys, but very importantly, not the Arctic Monkeys. Sorry.
Alright, now what could I buy instead of getting a ticket? A weekend ticket is £205, but let’s be honest, your parents will probably be paying, so just imagine how many bottles of wine they could get instead of funding a crucial life experience? Loads.
Official Revolution rating? If you’re 16 this will be the best weekend of your life. If you’re 24 it will probably not be the best weekend of your life. So it’s a firm 6/10 from us.
What is it? Dad-stonbury.
Where is it? Remember Shrek’s swamp? Well, imagine that’s been moved from the animated screen to a farm somewhere in Somerset.
What type of person attends this festival? We were going to write something long-winded about how the people who attend Glastonbury are the type of people who leave their wristband on for 5 long years and pretend to not notice the smell and then complain that the festival’s got a bit too commercial to their colleagues in the bank but then we realised that we could sum all that up in two words…
What kind of tunes are you going to be standing around listening to? Radiohead. Foo Fighters. Ed Sheeran. Muse. Coldplay.
The most recent headliners of Glasto tell a pretty vivid story that this festival is full of *checks notes* inoffensive dad music. Sorry dads.
Alright, now what could I buy instead of getting a ticket? It’s £250 for a ticket and if you take into account all the other things you’ll end up buying (sleeping bag, tent, 5000 wet wipes), you could probably afford a proper holiday that doesn’t involve having black fingernails and hearing ‘I’m in love with your booooody’ wafting over from a good kilometre away.
Official Revolution rating? It’s not even on this year so it can’t really get over a 7/10 can it? No. It can’t.
What is it? The best festival… geddit?
Where is it? It used to be held on the Isle of White which made going there a real pilgrimage that involved a ferry but now it’s in Dorset so it’s still a pilgrimage but you don’t have to get on a boat. So there’s that.
What type of person attends this festival? Fancy dress is a big part of the ‘vibe’ that surrounds Bestival so expect to see many many many people who are pretending they have a personality by dressing as A) a recently deceased popstar B) Mario or C) Luigi. Then they’ll go and watch London Grammar.
What kind of tunes are you going to be standing around listening to? It’s a bit of an eclectic mix and if we’re quite honest that’s just a nice way of saying ‘every act at Bestival is below par and there’s a reason they haven’t achieved mainstream success’.
However, Bestival prides itself on wacky things to do that don’t involve music, from a Bollywood tent to a landlocked port built in the middle of Dorset, which makes Bestival definitely worth checking out.
Alright, now what could I buy instead of getting a ticket? It’s £182 for a standard ticket and that sounds quite reasonable until you remember that you could buy 55 Boots’ meal deals for the cost of a ticket.
Official Revolution rating? Unprecedented scenes here but it gets an 8/10 from us.
Now, if none of these festivals are tickling your fancy…
Then TURN IT UP with our cocktail menu this summer!
After remixing rhythm and blues with a whole lotta booze, throwing in delicious blends packed with big beats and keeping those laid-back tropical vibes you just can’t beat, these cocktails are the only headliner you really need.
And to see what we mean, check out the full cocktail menu in all its glory then choose your favourite from our amazing line-up.