It’s that time of year; the boss has his Christmas tie on, Jim from accounts is crying (again), and everyone’s trying to figure out who put the dildo in the Secret Santa (hint: it’s always me).
The festive season is full of annoying little encounters, none more so than the traditional work Christmas do.
Having a conversation with someone you’ve fantasised about murdering with a stapler every day for the last ten months is never easy. Nor is trying to escape the attentions of a recently divorced 40-something whose had their hair done and is feeling proper sassy. Add alcohol into the mix and you’ve got yourself a potentially horrific social situation which requires a certain amount of preparation to endure.
Are you ready for the ultimate test of your survival skills? You so are.
Research your terrain
Before committing to a works do you need to get the lowdown on who is actually going. If the only decent folk have kids then you can be certain come 10.30 they’ll skedaddle and you’ll be stuck with the ‘krazy bunch’, with their wacky jumpers, zany antics and seriously repressed emotional problems. Who in the office is newly single? Are they attractive? Will anyone drunkenly cover your bar tab if you let them? Is anyone going to sit and talk to you about spreadsheets until you want to chew your own lips off? Consider your options.
Let someone know where you’ll be, eat well
If your office lot make you angrier than a six hour Mrs Browns Boys marathon, then a back-up plan is always wise. Let your mates know where you’re heading so you can “accidentally” bump into them and bugger off “on purpose” when everyone gets “on your tits”. Feel free to use those air quotes in person as you explain why you’re leaving, it adds dramatic effect. If you must stick around then eat heartily beforehand and drink slowly to start. This ensures that when Carol from HR wets herself at edgy Ken’s racially offensive jokes, you can recall the details accurately during Monday’s briefing and blackmail them.
Bring survival gear
By this I mean the essentials; spare underwear, wet wipes and some perfume, because if you haven’t crapped your pants and thrown up down your shirt at some point then you’re not doing it properly. If your party is fancy dress and you’ve ruined everyone’s night by going out in an unimaginative morph suit (men) or sexy cat costume (ladies), then you may have nowhere to store your items of survival, as those outfits tend to leave nothing to the imagination (unless you have a really dirty imagination involving cats). In this case at least make sure you’ve stuffed your underwear full of spare cash, and as for your keys…I’ll leave it up to you where you stuff those.
The absolute worst thing you can do pre-work night out is spend all day faffing with your phone so the battery dies. Now what the hell are you going to stare at when you get sick of human contact? How are you going to take ironic duckface selfies in the bogs with the toilet man who wants to sell you a lolly for ten quid? Make sure you’ve charged your phone thoroughly or you’re drunk enough to be sociable, because if everyone but you is online you’ve no way of seeing those incriminating photographs of you started grinding with your boss, until it’s too late to untag.
Don’t panic if you’re lost
Try not to cry if everyone’s left when you were in the toilets regretting how much trifle you ate, nobody likes the sight of a grown-up sobbing their face off complaining everyone hates them. Everybody hates everybody; it’s the way of the world. Now pull yourself together and track down your co-workers. Drunken hordes of office-based revellers tend to head wherever the loudest person is going. Follow the trail of feather boas, glitter and post-it notes to hunt down the rest of your pack. Use your brain, are your co-workers classy individuals who enjoy a luxurious cocktail and a delightful atmosphere? They’ll be at Revolution obviously.
Build a fire
At this point it might seem like I’m copying a wilderness survival guide and reapplying the principles of outdoor endurance to a work’s do. I am, so shut up. I wouldn’t recommend building a fire inside one of our bars, but you never know how the night’s going to end up. How can I relate this to a night out, oh here we go. Bring a lighter. Revolution obviously does not condone smoking indoors, but if there’s a slow Christmas classic on and you’re not arm in arm with your co-workers swaying with a Zippo in the air, then we are legally obliged to release the Festive Enforcement Wasps.
Scout your area and find a source of water
If it starts to feel like the floors are made of trampolines and your head is on backwards, then it may be wise to hunt for a babbling brook, a crisp alpine stream, or failing that a glass of water you can pretend is vodka. The fizzy stuff looks more like booze, and will alleviate any concerns that you’ll look like a lightweight in front of the morons in your office, who think the amount of beer you can withstand is inversely proportional to the size of your underwear portion.
Check for predators
When the end of the night draws in and you’ve lost control of your faculties you need to keep yourself safe. I’m not talking about the kind of nutcases you’ll see on Crimewatch or your mate’s pervy uncle, I’m talking about cougars and stags. A cougar will already have been identified in the office and is usually the aforementioned 40-something divorcee. At the merest glimpse of tasty young flesh an innocent young man will find themselves bundled into a taxi and subjected to unimaginable horror. The stag poses an equally terrifying threat to women, as with his charm, open collared shirt and supporting cloud of cheap cologne, the weird-looking office love-rat can seduce even the most sensible of ladies. Don’t let yourself become the object of tawdry office gossip, arm yourself with a series of withering put-downs to those hoping for a bit of festive frolicking.
Find safe food and shelter
You’ve escaped the predators, fashioned your half-knackered fancy dress costume into a makeshift toga, and you’ve made it over the death-trap cobbles of the high street’s drinking district. Now food must be sought.
Do you choose the greasy salt-laden chicken shop? Or the delicious crunch of kebab meat speckled artfully with bone and gristle? Don’t follow the crowd feasting off the remains of their chosen prey; choose your own source of nourishment. As you stand cradling your takeout like a new-born baby, a decision must be made. Do you incur the expense of a taxi by yourself? Or do you go with the group, in the knowledge that you could be left one on one with the stag or the cougar with no means of escape when they “invite themselves round”.
Plan your return journey with care, make an SOS call if you must; but exhaust all possibilities before you consider “doing a Skywalker” and climbing into the carcass of a large hairy beast for warmth.
Call us Bear Grylls, cos this works Christmas do survival guide is legit.
But before all of this, you need a Christmas party venue – check out the Revolution Christmas packages, or speak to one of our party planners to see what we can do for your ‘works do’. We’ve got all you want for Christmas and more.